Advance Wars 2 and Three Fourths
by Lord Seth
Summary: From the guy who brought you Advance Wars 2.5, here's Advance Wars 2.75! Laughs aplenty! Rated PG for semi-controversial humor.
1. Season 1

Just a note: This story, like Advance Wars 2.5, was originally posted on GameFAQs. That's why the HTML tags, which we were too lazy to get rid of, are on this story.   
  
bDISCLAIMER/b: Any views expressed in this story are intended mostly just for comical purposes, so if you're offended, please get a life. You can buy them for cheap at Life Stores, coming soon to your local mall!   
Oh yeah, and I don't own any of the characters, and you can't copy this and take credit for it, and this is copyrighted by me. Now that we're done with the formalities, it's time to begin!  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 1/i  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Well, Sturm is dead, and I'm in control.  
  
Adder: Great job on explaining to everyone exactly when this takes place!  
  
Hawke: What?  
  
Adder: Never mind.  
  
Hawke: Anyway, what should we do now?  
  
Adder: Wait until Nintendo announces an Advance Wars 3, then invade everyone.  
  
Hawke: I mean in the meantime.  
  
Adder: Have all sorts of zany adventures that crack everyone up.  
  
Hawke: Great idea!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Why do I have to be the one to dress up as Santa Claus?  
  
Grit: Because you're fat and have a white beard.  
  
Olaf: What are you talking about? My beard is brown!  
  
Grit: If someone goes into Color Edit and chooses 5, 6, or 8, your beard is white.  
  
Olaf: Curse those programmers! CURSE THEM!!!  
  
Meanwhile, in Red Sun...  
  
CO #1 (Marl): Mwahahaha! Soon we shall overthrow all of the capitalist pigs and establish our new communist world order!  
  
Lord Seth: So when do we move out? And what do you plan to do about Black Hole?  
  
Marl: YOU're the new CO?  
  
Lord Seth: No, I'm just taking the place of the one because he's running late. And for the record, I don't agree with any of your ideologies, and I hate your guts. The only reason I'm doing this is for comedic effect and because I get paid more for this job.  
  
Marl: Oh.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Does this suit make me look fat?  
  
Grit: It doesn't make you look any fatter than you were before.  
  
Olaf: So it doesn't?  
  
Grit: Of course it does!  
  
Olaf: Drat. Oh well, a job's a job.  
  
In the mall...  
  
Olaf: Ho ho ho! What do you want for Christmas, little girl?  
  
Girl: I want a pony, and a dollhouse, and a country, and a giant robot-  
  
Later...  
  
Girl: -and a copy of Advance Wars 2, and a giant gorilla, and an iceberg, and-  
  
Olaf: Ho ho ho! Don't you know Christmas isn't about greed?  
  
Girl: Then what is it about? Family?  
  
Olaf: No.  
  
Girl: Goodwill towards fellow humans?  
  
Olaf: No.  
  
Girl: What IS the meaning of Christmas, then?  
  
Olaf: I'd tell you, but we'd probably just get sued.  
  
bWill we get sued? Will the communists conquer Wars World? Will Black Hole conquer Wars World? Will ANYONE conquer Wars World? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 2/i  
  
Previously, a new country known as Red Sun decided to try a communist takeover of Wars World. You know what that means. Parodies aplenty.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: Has that new CO come in already?  
  
Soldier: No. Why do we need one?  
  
Marl: All the other countries have at least THREE Commanding Officers! We need more than one!  
  
Soldier: Oh. Right.  
  
New CO: I'm here!  
  
Marl: Excellent. Let's see...what's your name?  
  
New CO: My name is...Sturm.  
  
Marl: Sturm? What kind of a name is Sturm?  
  
Sturm: A good one, okay? And could you do me a favor and keep your voice down?  
  
Marl: Sorry, I didn't hear you. WHAT DID YOU SAY, STURM?!  
  
Sturm: This joke is so cliché it's not even funny.  
  
Marl: HEY, STURM, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!  
  
Sturm: Oh, never mind.  
  
Marl: NEVER MIND WHAT, STURM?!  
  
Sturm: *sigh* This could go on all day.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: Hawke! Hawke!  
  
Hawke: I'm in charge, so call me Lord Hawke now!  
  
Lash: Fine, Lord Hawke! Lord Hawke!  
  
Lord Seth: Hey! I'm the only Lord in this story.  
  
Hawke: What are you going to do about it, erase me as a character?  
  
Lord Seth: No, I'm going to do something worse, much worse.  
  
Hawke: Spare me the suspense. What are you going to do?  
  
Lord Seth: Get you a new job.  
  
Hawke: New job? That's all? Meh.  
  
Lord Seth: Your new job is...CLEANING TOILETS!  
  
Hawke: Oh yeah, like THAT's a big deal.  
  
Lord Seth: Uh...the toilet that was...on that one...Invader Zim episode!  
  
Hawke: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Hawke faints.  
  
Lash: Drat. I'll have to wait to give him the news.  
  
Lord Seth: And let that be a lesson to you!  
  
Lash: What's the lesson?  
  
Lord Seth: Uh...I don't really know...but there's got to be something, right?  
  
Lord Seth leaves.  
  
One waking up later...  
  
Hawke: Anyway, what was the news?  
  
Lash: I've discovered that Sturm is really alive and is working for Red Sun!  
  
Hawke: That's nice. Now go away.  
  
Lash: What? Don't you care at all?  
  
Hawke: Not really. Now go away.  
  
Lash: Great. We go from one incompetent leader to another.  
  
Hawke: I heard that! As punishment you will...what's a good punishment?  
  
Lash: Forcing me to work on inventions?  
  
Hawke: I'm not THAT incompetent! I sentence you to be...EATEN BY PIRANHAS!  
  
Some guards drag Lash out.  
  
Hawke: Time to get back to work!  
  
Hawke takes out a Game Boy Advance and starts playing Fire Emblem.  
  
Hawke: Man, this game is HARD! Even though I'm using that super-strong Marcus guy to kill every enemy! I mean, what's with THAT? He's the strongest character, so why am I having so much trouble?  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: It's time for Christmas cheer!  
  
Drake: Eagle, it's January.  
  
Eagle: But still!  
  
Drake: How long do you think that we're going to be on this? Because we always only seem to be on for a short-  
  
Meanwhile, in Orange Star...  
  
Andy: I know what a continent is!  
  
Max: Then what's a country?  
  
Andy: Uh...uh...uh...  
  
Max: You don't even know what a country is?!  
  
Andy: Yeah I do! It's...a...thing...that's...smaller...than...a...continent!  
  
Max: *sigh* This is going to be a long day.  
  
bWill this be a long day? Will Hawke ever beat Fire Emblem? Will Marcus ever be appreciated? The answers aren't too hard to figure out, but tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 3/i  
  
Last time on Advance Wars 2.75, there was war! Famine! Death! Pestilence! And worst of all, the cancellation of The Simpsons!  
  
Everyone: AAAAAHHHH!!!!!  
  
Oh yeah, there were mass suicides, too. And that brings us to our next point...  
  
TIP OF THE DAY: If you ever join a cult, don't drink the water.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Feed Sonja to the piranhas!  
  
Sonja: What? What did I ever do to you?!  
  
Kanbei: Hey, everyone's doing it! Hawke fed Lash to the piranhas, you know.  
  
Sonja: But I'm your daughter! Doesn't that mean anything to you?  
  
Kanbei: Not really. But I guess I won't feed you to the piranhas after all.  
  
Sonja: Phew!  
  
Kanbei: Yeah, that's too unoriginal. I'm going to feed you to the sharks instead!  
  
Some guards drag Sonja out.  
  
Sonja: Oh, why does this ALWAYS happen to me?  
  
Guard: Don't worry. The sharks were just fed, and you're not bleeding, so you'll probably drown before they eat you.  
  
Sonja: Oh yeah, that's a BIG consolation.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Colin! I've decided to feed you to the whales!  
  
Colin: But whales don't eat people! Well, Killer Whales might, but...  
  
Olaf: Oh yeah. Good point. Forget the whole thing.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: I need to feed someone to the piranhas! Preferably a young CO!  
  
Drake: We don't have any young COs!  
  
Eagle: Fine. Let's do you then, Drake.  
  
Drake: Why me?  
  
Eagle: Because I don't like you.  
  
Drake: I thought it was Jess you didn't like.  
  
Eagle: Who?  
  
Drake: Jess!  
  
Eagle: Never heard of him.  
  
Drake: Jess is a she!  
  
Eagle: Whatever, anyway, you're going to be fed to the piranhas! Right now!  
  
Drake is thrown into the piranha tank, but the piranhas don't attack him.  
  
Eagle: Oh! Because Drake likes the water so much, the piranhas must be leaving him alone! It's totally cheesy, but it works. I think I'll throw this person to the piranhas instead.  
  
Eagle leaves.  
  
Drake: Uh, Eagle? I could use a little help here. The piranhas are leaving me alone, but this tank is too big to climb out of. And I can't tread water forever. Eagle? Eagle? EAGLE?!  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: Everyone else is killing their young COs, so it's about time we did, also!  
  
Sturm: We don't have any young COs!  
  
Marl: Then let's get some!  
  
Sturm: Fine, fine.  
  
Sturm goes in front of the army.  
  
Sturm: Calling all young soldiers! You can be COs if you want!  
  
Soldier: What's the catch?  
  
Sturm: You'll be fed to the piranhas!  
  
Soldier: I'll do it!  
  
Sturm: What's your name?  
  
Soldier: Uh...Matt.  
  
Sturm: Good enough for me!  
  
A few days later...  
  
Sturm: I can't believe you came out alive after being in the tank with all those piranhas.  
  
Matt (covered in wounds, bandages, and blood): Who says I'm alive?  
  
Sturm: This heart-monitor does.  
  
Matt: Can we just invade someplace already?  
  
Sturm: Yes! We must spread our beautiful communist ideology throughout the world!  
  
Matt: As long as I get paid, I don't care.  
  
bWill Matt ever care? Will anyone invade anyone? Is being fed to the piranhas painful? Why am I asking YOU these questions? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 4/i   
  
Now with 10% more political incorrectness!  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: It's time to invade! Our first target: Black Hole.  
  
Sturm: Why Black Hole?  
  
Marl: I don't like the color black.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Argh! I can't beat this stupid Fire Emblem game! Even though I'm using my strongest characters, like Marcus, and not using the weaker ones, like Nino and Rebecca, I just can't beat the game! This must be the most frustrating game ever!  
  
(NOTE: Hawke's statement is an in-joke...anyone who visits the Fire Emblem board on GameFAQs should get it)  
  
Adder: Hawke!  
  
Hawke: I said to call me Lord Hawke!  
  
Lord Seth: And I said to not call you that!  
  
Hawke: Too bad! YOU're just an omnipotent and omniscient being with unlimited power! I'm the leader of Black Hole!  
  
Lord Seth: Argh! Someone's always cooler than me! Why? Why? WHY?  
  
Adder: Because! Because! BECAUSE!  
  
Lord Seth: Grrr. I'm leaving.  
  
Lord Seth leaves.  
  
Adder: Anyway, as I was saying, it seems that Red Sun is planning on attacking us!  
  
Hawke: That's nice. Now get out of here.  
  
Adder: *grumble* Stupid, incompetent, leader.  
  
Hawke: I heard that!  
  
Adder: Uh...  
  
Hawke: I know you're racist!  
  
Adder: I never said that! I said you were incompetent!  
  
Hawke: Oh, really? Oh well. In that case...FEED HIM TO THE PIRANHAS!  
  
Adder: Why piranhas? Why not something else, like a dolphin?  
  
Hawke: Great idea! Feed him to the dolphins!  
  
Adder: (yes! Dolphins won't kill me!)  
  
Hawke: ...the specially bred Killer Dolphins, that is!  
  
Adder: I hate my life.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Grit! It's time to clean the mess halls!  
  
Grit: Isn't that Colin's job?  
  
Olaf: Yep. Be sure to get him for me, will you?  
  
Grit: It's a good thing you didn't feed him to the piranhas after all.  
  
Olaf: I know. Too bad he fed himself to them.  
  
Grit: WHAT?!  
  
Olaf: He didn't want to clean any more mess halls, so he fed himself to the piranhas.  
  
Colin: They weren't very hungry, though, so I managed to survive by my skin and their teeth. So are you still going to force me to clean the mess halls after all that?  
  
Olaf: Yep.  
  
Colin: *moan* Why can't you get some other people to help me out?  
  
Olaf: Because that would cost money, and we're already in debt. See? Look at all these numbers in red...and black...and blue...anyway, hop to it, Colin!  
  
Colin: I hate my job.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Sturm: The invasion force is ready!  
  
Marl: Finally, there'll be some ACTION in this story. Now we shall spread equality throughout the world and create a worldwide utopia?  
  
Sturm: Uh, Marl? In the long history of Communism, it's been demonstrated that, while it's a nice idea and all, it's sadly impossible to pull it off. It just ends up making a totalitarian state in which everyone is oppressed. (pause) So what are we waiting for?  
  
Marl: Nothing. INVADE!!!  
  
So the Red Sun army invades Black Hole and conquers it.  
  
Marl: Okay Sturm, you can rule this. Just be sure everyone is treated exactly the same...except for anyone who disagrees with us. Just kill them.  
  
Sturm: Hey, as long as I get to kill people, I'm happy! And I know just who to kill first...bring me Hawke!  
  
Hawke is dragged in.  
  
Hawke: Uh, sorry about killing you before! See, it was all a misunderstanding...  
  
Sturm: SILENCE!!! Wait, it was a misunderstanding?  
  
Hawke: Yep.  
  
Sturm: Oh. You can go then...  
  
Hawke: (man, that sucker will fall for anything)  
  
Sturm: ...after we feed you to the piranhas.  
  
bWill Sturm fall for anything? Will more people be fed to the piranhas? Will a TV show I've been working on ever be brought out? What's the point of all of these questions? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 5/i  
  
Previously, a lot of piranhas got some food. That's all I'll say.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Hey! I've barely shown up in this story at all!  
  
Nell: Good point. Guards, feed him to the piranhas!  
  
Andy: WHAT?!  
  
Nell: Hey, you're our youngest CO! Of course you have to be fed to the piranhas!  
  
Andy: I hate my life.  
  
Lord Seth: That seems to be a fairly common problem. I think I'll call it "I-Hate-My-Life Syndrome"! Maybe they'll finally give me back my medical license if I make it public!  
  
Lord Seth leaves.  
  
Nell: Mwahaha! With Andy out of the way, there will be no one to stop my plans, except for Max, Sami, and Hachi. But who cares about them?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Max: I've just figured out that Nell is planning really evil things!  
  
Hachi: Will it make me lose money?  
  
Max: It'll make you lose your life!  
  
Hachi: But not my money?  
  
Max: No.  
  
Hachi: Not my problem.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Marl: Send in Flak!  
  
Sturm: Wasn't he killed before?  
  
Marl: I don't know. But send him in anyway.  
  
Flak comes in.  
  
Flak: Is this the bathroom?  
  
Sturm: No.  
  
Flak: Uh-oh. I gotta go bad!  
  
Sturm: Too bad! Anyway, we need to ask you a simple question.  
  
Flak: What?  
  
Sturm: What do you think of communism?  
  
Flak: It's evil! Capitalism rules all!  
  
Marl: HOW DARE HE SPEAK SUCH BLASPHEMY?!  
  
Flak: Blasphemy?! Communists don't even believe in a God!  
  
Marl: We worship a nonexistent God! And you have committed blasphemy against him!  
  
Flak: That didn't even make sense!  
  
Marl: Good point. Anyway, FEED HIM TO THE PIRANHAS! And, uh why are your trousers all wet?  
  
Flak: Because of the first time you fed me to the piranhas! They haven't dried yet!  
  
Marl: Very well. Take him out.  
  
Flak is dragged out.  
  
Matt: Hmmm. Is it just me, or is Lord Seth getting a LITTLE out of bounds with the jokes lately?  
  
Marl: He dares joke?! KILL HIM!  
  
Matt: Uh, lots of people have tried that before. It doesn't work. The guy's invincible or something.  
  
Marl: Curse him!!!  
  
A pause.  
  
Marl: No, seriously. Curse him. Get a voodoo priest or something to put a curse on him.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Well, it's time for the yearly inspection of the army.  
  
Grit: Good! Now we can finally fix anything wrong with this army.  
  
Olaf walks through the army.  
  
Olaf: What is this, soldier?  
  
Soldier: Several faulty tanks. Odds are, if they were used, they'd backfire and destroy our entire army.  
  
Olaf: No problems here. Grit, let's go.  
  
Grit: Shouldn't you at least LOOK at the air division?  
  
Olaf: Who cares about them?  
  
Grit: *sigh*  
  
Grit looks over at the air division and sees all of the planes are exact duplicates of the Wright Brothers' first plane.  
  
Grit: Oh well. It's not like we're going to be invaded, right?  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: Now that we have created a glorious communist regime-  
  
Matt: That has everyone oppressed and hating us.  
  
Marl: -we shall turn our attention to another country.  
  
Matt: And set up another regime that is anything but a utopia?  
  
Marl: Careful. Big Sister is watching you.  
  
Matt: Oh no! Sis!  
  
Stephanie: Matt! What did I tell you about becoming a CO in a Communist army?  
  
Matt: *sigh* Not before I finish college.  
  
Stephanie: Sorry Marl, but I have to take him away.  
  
Marl: No way! We need a third CO!  
  
Stephanie: What are you going to do, send me to the gulag?  
  
Marl: Yep.  
  
Stephanie: Drat.  
  
Some guards drag Stephanie away.  
  
Matt: Did you really have to do that? I mean, my own sister, sent to the gulag?  
  
Marl: Yep.  
  
Matt: Darn! I wanted her killed!  
  
Marl: You can't have everything, you know.  
  
bCan anyone have anything? How will our new character fare in the gulag? Whatever you do, don't tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75!/b  
  
Lord Seth: I hate you.  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 6/i  
  
NOTE: A reminder to remember that everything in this story is done as a joke. Nothing in this story is meant to be serious. Not even this note.  
  
Previously, another politically incorrect story occurred. Right now, a politically incorrect recap is going on. And the next part of our politically incorrect story is about to start.  
  
Lord Seth: How is that recap politically incorrect?  
  
Uh...teh QQQ rulez!!!  
  
Lord Seth: What's the QQQ?  
  
A group that hates white male protestants. And is supportive of all gay jewish black men.  
  
[NOTE: The line And is supportive of all gay jewish black men was removed when this story was posted on GameFAQs]  
  
Lord Seth: That's it. I'm getting a new narrator.  
  
Hey, you asked for political incorrectness!  
  
Lord Seth: But not to that extreme! What do you want, us to get moderated?  
  
Oh come on. What do you think-  
  
[The remainder of this recap was deleted by a GameFAQs Moderator]  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Stephanie: Oh...stupid gulag. I don't like it already.  
  
Sonja: Hey, it's better than being stuck in a battleship for a year!  
  
Stephanie: How'd YOU get here?  
  
Sonja: You know, that's quite a story. You see, it all started when-  
  
Guard: No talking! Back to work!  
  
Sonja: What are we working on anyway?  
  
Guard: Who cares as long as you're straining your muscles?  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Horrible news, Olaf! The Red Sun army is attacking us!  
  
A pause.  
  
Olaf: So?  
  
Grit: What, do you WANT us living under a communist government?  
  
A pause.  
  
Olaf: No.  
  
Grit: THEN WHY DON'T WE STOP THEM?!  
  
Olaf: Because we're too lazy. And because Colin glued everyone to their chairs.   
  
So Red Sun conquers Blue Moon.  
  
Sturm: Yes! We are now in command! We are...uh, what now?  
  
Marl: We start another Communist regime, this time in Blue Moon?  
  
Sturm: I knew that.  
  
Marl: Now we need to start a secret police group! Matt, you can be the head.  
  
Matt: So, uh, what do the secret police do?  
  
Marl: Nothing. They're secret.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Sonja: Ow...I can't feel my hands...or my legs...or my feet...or my neck...  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, cheer up. At least it's not as bad as Aust...no, Auch...no, Aucht...no, that's not you pronounce it...anyway, it's not as bad as that thingy, however you pronounce it.  
  
Sonja: Easy for you to say. You don't have to work here.  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, that's not true! I work here! I just happen to do really easy jobs and get paid a lot for them. (pause) And I can leave whenever I want. But other than that, my position here is the same as yours!  
  
Sonja: I hate you so much.  
  
Lord Seth: I know.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Marl: Bring in...I don't know, some CO.  
  
Colin is brought in.  
  
Colin: You'll never get anything out of me! I won't tell you anything other than my name, rank, and cereal number! My name's Colin, my rank is a CO, and my cereal number is...well, it's not a number, but how about Cocoa Puffs?  
  
Marl: *sigh* This is going to be a long meeting.   
  
Much later...  
  
Marl: Feeding that kid to the piranhas has got to be one of the smartest things I ever did.  
  
Matt: Hey, Marl, there's something I don't get.  
  
Marl: What?  
  
Matt: Communism says there will be a worldwide revolution. So why are we invading countries?  
  
Marl: If you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself!  
  
Matt: Ah. I understand.  
  
A pause.  
  
Marl: HE KNOWS TOO MUCH! FEED HIM TO THE PIRANHAS!!!  
  
bGee, what's with all the piranhas? Will Matt survive being fed to the piranhas? Will Will ever show up in this story? Who's Will anyway? You definitely won't find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 7/i  
  
Previously, a lot of random stuff occurred.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Matt: So I get to be leader of Blue Moon?  
  
Marl: Yep.  
  
Matt: Hmmm. I wonder how my sister is doing. Hopefully not too well.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Red Sun gulag...  
  
Sonja: So are we both clear on the plan?  
  
Stephanie: Wait until the guards change then one of us will escape through the tunnel we dug while the other causes a distraction. Then, the next day, we'll do the same thing, only the other one causes the distraction and the other one escapes. Thus, we'll both have escaped.   
  
Sonja: It's foolproof!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: With Red Sun on the march, it's important we get our army into good shape. And I don't want any puns, okay?  
  
Drake: All right. I'll get the Battleships, Submarines, Landers, and Cruisers ready.  
  
Jess: I'll get the Missiles, Rockets, Tanks, Md. Tanks, Neotanks, Artillery, Recons, Anti-Airs, and the rest of the ground forces ready.  
  
Eagle: I'll get all of the air units ready.  
  
Jess: Who's getting the Infantry and Mechs ready?  
  
Eagle: Oh, who cares? It's not like we really need them.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sensei: ...RED SUN IS GOING TO ATTACK!!!  
  
Kanbei: ...READY THE DEFENSES!!!  
  
Sensei: ...AND THE OFFENSES!!!  
  
Kanbei: ...ALL RIGHT!!! WE CAN STOP SHOUTING!!!  
  
Sensei: ...About time.   
  
Kanbei: And we can stop that, too!  
  
Sensei: ...Stop what?  
  
Kanbei: That "..." thing!  
  
Sensei: ...really?  
  
Kanbei: YES!  
  
Soldier: Kanbei, a Green Earth CO is here to see you.  
  
Kanbei: AAAAAHHHH!!!!! It must be an invasion! KILL THEM IMMEDIATELY!!!  
  
Sensei: I'm not sure that's a great idea. See, if it's not an invasion, we'd just cause an invasion, and if it is an invasion, we wouldn't gain much. So therefore-  
  
Kanbei: Kanbei has spoken! Kill the CO!!!  
  
Later...  
  
Jess: Phew! Good thing we just sent a robot to Yellow Comet instead of a real CO!  
  
Eagle: What? Didn't we send the real Drake and this is the robot?  
  
Jess: What, can't you tell the difference between a person and a robot?  
  
Eagle: You're a robot, Jess!  
  
Jess (the real Jess, there is no robot Jess): Guess that answers my question.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Max: It's all ready. It's time to liberate Black Hole and Blue Moon from Red Sun!  
  
Sami: Why liberate Black Hole?! They're our enemies!  
  
Max: Because we have nothing better to do.  
  
Sami: Whatever. Just invade them already.  
  
bDue to reasons relating to laziness, the liberation of Black Hole and Blue Moon from Communist control will occur between this episode and the next episode. If you don't like that, sue me. No, wait, don't sue me. Sue someone else. Anyway, we're out of time, so no weird questions this time, okay? Oh great, I just did a question. What's next, yet another one of those cutting off jokes? They'd better not/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75, Part 8/i  
  
Lord Seth: Welcome to the ending of Season 1! And, of course, it's not going to have some big conclusion at all! Anyway...  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: This is bad. Our army has been thrown out of both Blue Moon and Black Hole! Grrr, and we were SO close to creating a perfect society, too!  
  
Matt: Weren't we just killing people like crazy?  
  
Sturm: I thought that WAS a perfect society.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Look!  
  
Drake: What?  
  
Eagle: Using my Nature-Growing Formula I stole from Lash, we've actually made all of Green Earth...green!  
  
Jess: Eagle, it's not green. And it's not even a formula. You just had everyone put on green goggles so it LOOKED green.  
  
Eagle: It's the same thing, it just saves money!  
  
Drake: SAVES MONEY!? Do you know how much money all those goggles took to make?  
  
Eagle: How much?  
  
Drake: $10.  
  
Eagle: That's not that much.  
  
Drake: At the current rate of exchange, that amounts to about...99,999,999,999,999 Wars World credits!  
  
Eagle: So? That's not as much as 1 x 10^100!  
  
Drake: That's not the point!  
  
Eagle: But still, who really cares? I mean, it's not like we cut back 99.9% of the army funding, right?  
  
Drake: Nope, we didn't. We cut back 99.5%.  
  
Eagle: See? No problem!  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Sturm: Well, we were kicked out of Blue Moon and Black Hole. There's only one thing to do...  
  
Matt: What?  
  
Sturm: USE THE SECRET WEAPON OF LAST RESORT!  
  
Matt: What's the secret weapon of last resort?  
  
Sturm: It's a...CHEESE MACHINE!  
  
Matt: ...  
  
Marl: ...  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Marl: How will a cheese machine help us out?  
  
Sturm: I have absolutely no idea, but it has to have some use, right?  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sensei: I'm bored.  
  
Kanbei: Stop saying that.  
  
Sensei: I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored...  
  
Much later...  
  
Sensei: I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored I'm BORED!  
  
Kanbei: Then get a job.  
  
Sensei: I do have a job!  
  
Kanbei: A REAL job, I mean.  
  
Sensei: Hmmm. That isn't a bad idea.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Mwahaha! It's time to put my evil plans into motion! All I have to do is press this one button, and I'll blow up the planet! (pause) Wait a minute, that'll kill me, too! I'll have to program it so that it blows up the planet and everything on it except for me.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: Finally those communuts are gone! Now I'm free once again to exploit workers! Suppress the needs of the proletariat! And profit from other people's misery!  
  
Andy: Anyone who met Hachi probably would suddenly become more of a supporter of Communism...  
  
Hachi: Hey! I worked hard to get where I am now!  
  
Andy: No you didn't! You just won the lottery and used the money to hire OTHER people to make a business, then fired them and took control. That's not work!  
  
Hachi: It is in my book.  
  
Hachi pulls out a book called "Hachi's Dictionary".  
  
Hachi: See? For the definition of 'work', it says-  
  
Andy: Never mind. Forget it.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Max: I don't know how I was talked into this wrestling business.  
  
Sami: It had something to do with lots of money and a giant robot bee...  
  
Max: So who's my opponent?  
  
Sami: Flak.  
  
Max: FLAK?!  
  
Sami: Yep. Flak.  
  
Later, when the match starts...  
  
Flak: You're going down, Max!  
  
Flak tries to attack Max, but thinks that someone in the audience is Max, so he lunges out of the ring and attacks the audience member, losing the match.  
  
Max: Oh yeah! All I have to do is win through a few more technicalities, and I'll be the champion!  
  
Lord Seth: (How did I get myself into this announcer business?) And Max, your next opponent is...Sensei!  
  
Max: SENSEI?! He's just an old guy. I couldn't fight him.  
  
Sensei gets Max into a headlock and throws miles away.  
  
Sensei: Did I win?  
  
Lord Seth: Yes.  
  
Sensei: Woohoo!  
  
bWhat, you think we were going to end with a suspenseful ending? Get real! This is the ending of Season 1, we're not supposed to! Wait a minute, shouldn't we? I mean, after all, that would get people to watch Season 2. Hmmm. Better get to a suspenseful ending./b  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: I've thought of the perfect use for the cheese machine! It'll let us conquer the world?  
  
Sturm: What is it?  
  
Marl: Unfortunately, we'll have to wait until Season 2 to find out.


	2. Season 2

iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 1/i  
  
Lord Seth: Gee, can we get any more predictable in the way we do this?  
  
Hey, not everyone in the audience has read Advance Wars 2.5!  
  
Lord Seth: There's an audience?  
  
Uh, no. But there are people reading this?  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. Right.  
  
Just a reminder: Everything in this story is done as a joke. So if you think there's some sort of deep message in here, you're mistaken. In other words, we're not trying to offend anyone. In other words, we're trying to be politically incorrect without getting in trouble. In other words, we're just trying to be funny. In other words...  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: I know how to use the cheese machine to achieve world domination!  
  
Matt: Yeah, you said that last season, now how are you going to use it?  
  
Marl: We make cheese super-popular and flood the rest of the world with it. Thus, all the capitalists shall try to make more cheese to compete with us, thus exploiting their workers, thus causing the workers to rebel, thus causing the worldwide wondrous revolution that will spread Communism everywhere.  
  
Sturm: Oh well. How long could this take?  
  
1 Year Later...  
  
Marl: Hmmm. Still no revolution.  
  
Sturm: Be patient. These things take time.  
  
1 Month Later...  
  
Matt: Still no revolution.  
  
Marl: Oh, forget it. Let's just invade everyone and overthrow their governments.  
  
Sturm: Now THAT is an idea I can agree with!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Nell: Okay, I've finally perfected my machine. It'll destroy everything on the planet except me. Wait a minute, that'll leave me stranded in space! Better make a few adjustments first.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Matt: Is my sister still in the gulag?  
  
Marl: Let me check. Nope, she escaped with some other girl named Sonja.  
  
Matt: Well, get them back already!  
  
Marl: I thought you wanted her killed.  
  
Matt: Even better! Send troops out to kill them!  
  
Marl: Why do you hate your sister so much anyway?  
  
Matt: You don't want to know.  
  
Marl: Okay.  
  
A pause.  
  
Matt: You're supposed to say you do want to know, and then I'll whisper it to you, you'll go into a state of shock and say I shouldn't have told you, then we'll have an argument, and throughout the whole thing no one else finds it out, thus increasing both dramatic and comedic effect.  
  
Marl: ...what?  
  
Matt: Never mind.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sonja: Phew! We finally got out of that gulag! Now what?  
  
Stephanie: Uh...die?  
  
Sonja: What?  
  
The various Red Sun soldiers around Sonja and Stephanie all open fire.  
  
Sonja: Uh-oh.  
  
bWill Sonja and Stephanie survive? Will Nell destroy the world? Will we ever find out why Matt hates Stephanie so much? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 2/i  
  
Previously, Sonja and Stephanie were both killed by Red Sun soldiers. Or at least Sonja was.  
  
A few seconds later...  
  
Sonja: Ow...that hurt.   
  
Sonja finds herself on the shore of a river. Lord Seth is there on a speedboat.  
  
Lord Seth: Hi! I'm the guy who takes you to the other side of the River Styx to the afterlife!  
  
Sonja: I thought it was supposed to be a guy named Charon in a rowboat.  
  
Lord Seth: Apparently Charon made so much money from rowing people across that he retired. Now he just spends his time on a beach in Miami, Florida. I hear he's quite popular with the ladies. And as for the rowboat, you don't think we don't change with technology?  
  
Sonja: How the heck did YOU get this job?  
  
Lord Seth: I have friends in high places. VERY high places.   
  
Sonja: Okay, enough with the jokes. Now what?  
  
Lord Seth: Anyway, to pass, according to these rules, you're supposed to give me a coin.  
  
Sonja: I don't have any coins!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. I'll take an I.O.U. instead. Hang on, let me get a piece of paper out...  
  
Lord Seth takes hundreds of pieces of paper out of his pockets, all of which are filled out I.O.U. forms.  
  
Lord Seth: Let's see...got to be an unused one somewhere...  
  
Lord Seth finally takes out a new one.  
  
Lord Seth: Just sign here. IN BLOOD!  
  
Sonja: BLOOD?!  
  
Lord Seth: Just kidding. You can sign in a pen.  
  
Sonja: I don't have a pen!  
  
Lord Seth: You don't have much, do you?  
  
Sonja: I'm dead! Of course I don't!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh yeah. No wonder you're see-through.  
  
Sonja: You know what? Being dead sucks.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, come on. It's only been a minute or so. Give it a while.  
  
A pause.  
  
Sonja: It still sucks.  
  
Lord Seth: Well, at least now you can justifiably conclude that.  
  
Sonja: Cut to someplace else already. This part is going to be boring if it's only here.  
  
Lord Seth: Good point.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Ahh. It's good to be in charge again.  
  
Lash: It's good to be ALIVE again!  
  
Hawke: I thought I fed you to the piranhas.  
  
Lash: See, that's an interesting thing. Would you believe that-  
  
Hawke: FEED HER TO THE PIRANHAS!  
  
Lash: Not AGAIN...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: That's it! I refuse to clean any more rooms!  
  
Olaf: Even if we feed you to the piranhas?  
  
Colin: Even if you feed me to the piranhas.  
  
Olaf: Okay. Feed him to the piranhas.  
  
Colin (being dragged off): Wait, wait! I didn't really mean that! You don't have to feed me to the piranhas!  
  
Olaf (saluting): There goes another brave soul onto the casualty list. At least he accomplished something with his life.  
  
Grit: What, exactly?  
  
Olaf: He cleaned the mess halls.  
  
Grit: *sigh* Why do I feel like Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger force?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Frylock: *sigh* Why do I feel like Grit from Advance Wars 2?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Max: I WANT REVENGE AGAINST SENSEI!!!  
  
Sami: So he beat you up and humiliated you in front of millions of people. Big deal.  
  
Max: No! I must have my revengeance!  
  
Later...  
  
Max: I shall have my revengeance!  
  
Max attacks Sensei but Sensei ducks out of the way. Sensei throws Max all the way to Green Earth.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Why do I have the feeling that someone will be dropping in soon?  
  
Max falls on top of Eagle.  
  
Eagle: Ow...oh, why didn't I get that body suit like that nice, pushy salesman told me to?  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: It's time we started to have personalities.  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Marl: Well, everyone else seems to have at least SOME personality. Flak is an idiot, Lash is crazy, Olaf is clueless, Grit is smart, Sonja is the victim, Hachi is greedy, and so on. We need real personalities.  
  
Matt: We're all devout followers of Communism. Isn't that enough?  
  
Marl: No.  
  
Matt: Drat. Well, you know, I'm not a devout follower of Communism. Heck, I'm not a follower at all of Communism. The only reason I have this job is that it pays well.  
  
Marl: Huh? What was that, Matt?  
  
Matt: Nothing.  
  
bWas it nothing? Will Eagle survive? What'll happen to Sonja? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 3/i  
  
Previously, Sonja was killed and went to some kind of zany afterlife (well, she actually hasn't quite made it there), and Colin was fed to the piranhas. Of course, he'll be back immediately, so it doesn't really matter.  
  
Sonja: Geez, how long does it TAKE this stupid boat to cross this river?  
  
Lord Seth: Don't blame me that the engine's busted and I have to actually manually row across!  
  
Sonja: Hey, YOU were the one that tried to see how many peanuts he could fit in the engine!  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, it wasn't my fault all those peanuts couldn't fit! Complain to the designers!  
  
Sonja: Of the motor?  
  
Lord Seth: Of the peanuts.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Okay, I've FINALLY got my device ready. It'll destroy Earth and transport me somewhere else. Hey, wait...I need to be sure I'm transported to a life-supporting planet! Aw, this is going to take even MORE time...  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Jess: Great news, Eagle! You've won a lifetime membership to the Aviation Society!  
  
Eagle: A lifetime membership? Woohoo! That's 2 years!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin (reading a book): Let's see...according to this I can summon the devil if I recite this thingy. Let's see...Resol, dias tsuj uoy tahw ezilaer t'ndid uoy, ah, ah. sedarg bad teg I. toidi na ma I. diputs ma I.  
  
A pause.  
  
Colin: Oh wait, I forgot the final line. Ti naem ew. esaelp. enil lanif siht dear t'nod dna, haey ho.  
  
The devil appears.  
  
Devil: Are you here to pledge your immortal soul to me in exchange for worldly power?  
  
Colin: Nope. I just called you because I wanted to annoy you.  
  
Devil: You've made a dangerous enemy today, Colin.  
  
Colin: Oh, come on. You're just the supreme embodiment of evil. I'm a Blue Moon CO.  
  
Devil: CURSE YOU!!!  
  
The devil disappears.  
  
Colin: That was pointless.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Well, Sensei, you're now the Wrestling Champion of Wars World. Now what?  
  
Sensei: I plan to...take a nap.  
  
Sensei falls asleep.  
  
Kanbei: You heard him, folks! He's going to take a nap! (man, how'd I get THIS job?)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: Okay. We've finally reached the other bank.  
  
Sonja: You know, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, being dead is such a big step, you know? I'm not quite sure I'm ready for-  
  
Lord Seth shoves Sonja off the boat.  
  
Lord Seth: See ya!  
  
Lord Seth somehow gets the motor to work and takes off.  
  
Sonja: Drat.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: I think it's important we build a giant missile silo.  
  
Flak: With a missile, right?  
  
Hawke: No, just the giant missile silo. No need for missiles.  
  
Adder: *sigh*  
  
bWill the giant missile silo be built? How long will Sensei be taking his nap? Will Nell ever actually destroy the world? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 4/i  
  
Previously, Sensei took a nap. And a bunch of other things happened.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sensei: Zzzzzz...  
  
Kanbei: Great. He won't wake up. How long will he sleep anyway?  
  
Doctor: Well, considering he actually just died, I'd say he'll be asleep forever.  
  
Kanbei: This is just like the tale of Rip Van Winkle! I need to find a princess to kiss him to wake him from the spell!  
  
Doctor: But-  
  
Kanbei: It is then decided! I'll find a princess, get her to kiss Sensei, and he'll wake up.  
  
Doctor: Well, why not? It'll probably be funny.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: All right, now let's just invade everyone already.  
  
Sturm: I thought we already were going to.  
  
Matt: We were, but we were held up by that stupid bank robber.  
  
Marl: We don't even have any banks!  
  
Matt: Then why was one held up?  
  
Marl: One wasn't held up because there wasn't one!  
  
Matt: Then why was there one to be held up?  
  
Marl: ARGH!!! You are impossible to reason with!  
  
Matt: Not impossible. Just difficult. REALLY difficult.  
  
Marl: I'll go with impossible, thank you.  
  
Matt: I don't think so. I mean, seriously, it's got to be possible. When you think about it-  
  
Marl: ARGH!!!!  
  
Marl runs screaming out of the room.  
  
Matt: I'll get the straight jacket.  
  
Sturm: That's 'strait jacket'.  
  
Matt: Well the jacket isn't curved at all, so I'd say it's straight.  
  
Sturm: ARGH!!! You are impossible to reason with!  
  
Sturm runs out of the room screaming.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Okay, I think this machine is FINALLY ready. It'll destroy the world and transport me to a life-preserving planet.   
  
A pause.  
  
Nell: Wait, there's no problem here? But there's always a problem! Always! Then I have to spend more time working on this. Hmmm. Maybe I finally have it right this time. Might as well test it out.  
  
Nell is about to push the button, but Max and some Orange Star soldiers burst in and grab her first.  
  
Max: For deliberately trying to destroy the world, I sentence you to...DEATH BY PIRANHAS!  
  
Nell: Drat.  
  
Max: Might as well destroy this machine.  
  
Max tries to destroy the machine, but accidentally presses the button and...  
  
...nothing happens. Gotcha, didn't I?  
  
bDid I get you? Did nothing really happen? Is Matt impossible to reason with? Is Lord Seth insane? Tune in next time, to...oh, you know./b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 5/i  
  
Previously, more zany and pointless yet somehow comical events happened.  
  
Woman: What do we want?  
  
Audience: Complete equality!  
  
Woman: When do we want it?  
  
Crowd: Sometime in the foreseeable future!  
  
Woman: Uh, you're supposed to say "now".  
  
Crowd: What do you mean? That doesn't make sense. Think about it. If we say "now", that means immediately. But we can't expect that within the next second everything will change. Thus, we need to be more realistic, and-  
  
Woman: Okay, okay! Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. Anyway, WE DEMAND EQUALITY IN THE ARMY! The head CO in every country is male! Is that fair?  
  
Crowd: No!  
  
Lord Seth: Uh, actually, Nell is the head CO in Orange Star. Of course, she was just arrested for attempting to destroy the world, and she never does anything anyway. But it's worth pointing that out, you know.  
  
Woman: Uh...Anyway, we demand equality! We demand to be treated the same! We demand-  
  
Jess (whispering): Sami, exactly what the heck is she talking about?  
  
Sami (whispering back): I don't care. I only came here for the free chocolate.  
  
Woman: So what are we going to do?  
  
Crowd: Stage peaceful demonstrations?  
  
Woman: NO! CONQUER WARS WORLD!  
  
Jess: Oh boy. Here we go again.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Where is Sonja anyway?  
  
Sonja runs up to Kanbei.  
  
Kanbei: I thought you were dead.  
  
Sonja: I was.  
  
Kanbei: Then why are you here, alive?  
  
Sonja: See, that's a really interesting story. Would you believe that-  
  
Kanbei: DEAD PEOPLE MUST NOT LIVE! KILL HER! And get me some coffee and donuts while you're at it, okay?  
  
Sonja: Why did I have a feeling this was about to happen?  
  
Kanbei: I've fed Sonja to the piranhas so much that they're full, so just tie a weight to her leg and throw her in the ocean or something.  
  
Sonja (being dragged off): Oh yeah, that's MUCH better.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Using my crystal ball...I have determined...that the future... ... ... ... ... ... ...Aw, my crystal ball's broken!  
  
Lash: That's not even a crystal ball! It's a diamond ball!  
  
Hawke: Oh. Then get me a crystal ball!  
  
Lash: I refuse to!  
  
Hawke: Get it or I'll feed you to the piranhas!  
  
Lash: Okay! Okay! Okay!  
  
Lash leaves.  
  
Hawke: At last...I shall know the future!  
  
Flak: Couldn't you just get a Magic 8-Ball?  
  
Hawke: Nah, those things aren't trustworthy. But crystal balls are!  
  
Flak: Whatever you say.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Okay, it's time I resolved this plotline. I've got a princess that will kiss Sensei to wake him up!  
  
Sami: Um...I'm not really a princess. And I'm only here because you forced me to.  
  
Kanbei: Just kiss him already!  
  
Sami: I refuse to!  
  
Kanbei: If you don't, he'll never wake up!  
  
Sensei wakes up.  
  
Sensei: Man, what's with all the noise? Can't a guy get a little sleep here?  
  
Both Sami and Kanbei stare at Sensei.  
  
Sensei: This is making me tired. Better take another nap.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: It's important that we tell the masses exactly what we're planning to do.  
  
Sturm: In other words, lie.  
  
Marl: What?  
  
Matt: It's been pretty well established that lying to the people is a fundamental tenet of Communism.  
  
Marl: Oh. Right. *slapping self on head* I can't believe I forgot that!  
  
Matt: So are we going to remind the people that Big Brother is watching them?  
  
Marl: Big Brother? Who the heck is this person?  
  
Matt: An unseen figure in the government that watches everyone all the time.  
  
Marl: I like it! Be sure to put up all sorts of billboards saying "Big Brother is watching you." I mean, that's a great idea! You're really creative, Matt! I mean, no one else would have thought of that!  
  
Matt: ...  
  
bIs Matt creative? Is...oh, I'm too bored to finish this. So tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 6/i  
  
Previously, there were a lot of jokes. As always.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Flak: *sob* Life is too hard! I'm going to end it all!  
  
Flak jumps out the window, but it was only a second story window, so he survives.  
  
Hawke: Arrest him!  
  
Later, in court...  
  
Judge: I find you guilty of attempted suicide! There is only one fitting punishment...DEATH!  
  
Flak: NOOOOO!!!!!  
  
The troops drag Flak off.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: I can't stand not knowing what a continent is! I'm going to kill myself!  
  
Andy is about to jump out the window, but notices police outside.  
  
Policeman: Back away from the window, or we will open fire!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Grit! I order you to kill yourself!  
  
Grit: WHAT?!  
  
Olaf: Yeah, suicides are all the rage these days! If you want a lady to like you, you have to kill yourself! It's time we got into it!  
  
Grit: Hey, if I have to kill myself, why don't you do it also?  
  
Olaf: Good point. OK, I'll kill myself, then you kill yourself. And if you don't kill yourself after I kill myself, I'm going to kill you myself!  
  
Olaf takes out a knife and stabs himself.  
  
Grit: Uh...  
  
Colin appears.  
  
Colin: Hey, Grit! I just joined a disorganized religion!  
  
Grit: Disorganized religion?  
  
Colin: Yeah! It's for people like me, who are fed up by organized religions!  
  
Grit: So, uh, what exactly are the beliefs in disorganized religion?  
  
Colin: Oh, we can pretty much believe anything we want to. As long as it doesn't coincide with anything from an organized religion.  
  
Grit: That sounds like an organized religion to me.  
  
Colin: You're right! What a gyp! And to think I payed them 1 million dollars just to join that stupid thing! Not to mention signing over my soul and all my wordly possessions! I'd better get my stuff back before they start with the ritualistic "Drinking of Poison".  
  
Colin leaves.  
  
Grit: I think we're going far enough with the humor. Let's go back into the semi-reasonable restrictions.  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: Our newest idea to take over the world is...  
  
Lord Seth: Sorry, but you guys are gone.  
  
Matt: "Gone"?  
  
Lord Seth: Yep, you're gone from the story. All I have to do is snap my fingers and you'll cease to exist.  
  
Marl: You can't do that!  
  
Lord Seth: Yes I can!  
  
Lord Seth snaps his fingers.  
  
Matt: Hey, I'm fading away. (pause) Cool!  
  
Sturm: I'm not fading away!  
  
Lord Seth: Yep, you're a "real" character. So I'm just going to arrange for you to re-conquer Black Hole.  
  
Matt: So does ceasing to exist hurt?  
  
Lord Seth: Nope.  
  
Matt: Phew!  
  
Both Matt and Marl completely disappear.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: STURM?!  
  
Sturm: Yeah, I'm here to take back my place as leader of Black Hole. Now, if you'd just step aside...  
  
Hawke: Not unless you can defeat me!  
  
Sturm and Hawke fight. Sturm creams Hawke.  
  
Sturm: Remember, Hawke...there is ALWAYS someone stronger than you. Unless, of course, you are the strongest person.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Black Hole is developing weapons of mass destruction!  
  
Sonja: Uh, so what do we do?  
  
Kanbei: We invade!  
  
Sonja: Do you have any PROOF that they're developing weapons of mass destruction?  
  
Kanbei: Yes, I do! Look at these photographs!  
  
Sonja: Those look more like the scribbles of a 3-year-old.  
  
Kanbei: Haha! You see! Undeniable proof!  
  
Sonja: *sigh*  
  
So Yellow Comet conquers Black Hole.  
  
Kanbei: Since Black Hole's evil government is no more, it's time that we move in and rebuild it. Everyone will greet us as heros! We'll easily be able to rebuild it as a stable democracy.  
  
Sonja: We're not even a democracy! We're a military state!  
  
Kanbei: So?  
  
Sonja: I can't argue with logic like that. Let the rebuilding begin!  
  
A few months later...  
  
Kanbei: This isn't going as well as we hoped. There are mass resistance movements, and our soldiers are coming under attack all the time.  
  
Loud explosions are heard.  
  
Kanbei: I didn't mean here in Yellow Comet!  
  
Soldiers (outside): Sorry.  
  
Kanbei: Go to Black Hole and join the resistance THERE!  
  
Soldiers: Okey dokey!  
  
Kanbei: Fighting us there is fine. Just don't attack us here.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Greetings! We're broadcasting live as we try to determine if the phrase "What does not kill me makes me stronger." is true or not! Drake here has volunteered-  
  
Drake: I didn't volunteer!  
  
Eagle: I have statements from 20 different people saying you did!  
  
Drake: They weren't different people! They were just your aliases!  
  
Eagle: Uh...well...anyway, we're going to find out today! First up...arrows!  
  
Jess fires arrows at Drake.  
  
Eagle: So, Drake, do you feel stronger?  
  
Drake: No.  
  
Eagle: Well, let's see how he feels an hour or so from now!  
  
1 Hour later...  
  
Eagle: How do you feel now?  
  
Drake: I feel weak.  
  
Eagle: Well, let's try the ninjas this time.  
  
A bunch of ninjas appear and beat up Drake.  
  
Eagle: Feeling stronger now?  
  
Drake: No...I feel...sick...  
  
Eagle: One last test! Jess, drop the 2-ton anvils!  
  
Jess cuts a rope and some anvils fall on Drake.  
  
Eagle: How do you feel now? Stronger?  
  
Drake: Yeah...I do!  
  
Drake gets out from under the anvils and starts chasing Eagle.  
  
Drake: Eagle, I'll get you for this!  
  
Eagle: Hey, you were the one that volunteered!  
  
Jess (to the camera): Join us next week when we find out what happens if someone is hit by things that DO kill them! I wonder who we'll manage to do it to, though.  
  
Drake comes in, dragging a beat-up Eagle with him.  
  
Drake: Eagle volunteered!  
  
Jess: Did you hear that? Only one person is brave enough to be the tester! Anyway, it's time for this show to end, but first, a word from our sponsor!  
  
Cut to a man eating a hamburger.  
  
Man: Mmmmm! This is GOOD hamburger! And, as you know, I'm a famous celebrity, so everything I endorse is automatically good! Anyway, be sure to come down to Burglar Queen to eat great hamburgers! Wait, it isn't Burglar Queen? Hold that cue card a little closer to me...what, you can't hold it with all the money you're paying me for this? Just put the money down and bring the sign closer! And give me some mouthwash already! This hamburger tastes terrible!  
  
Cut back to Jess.  
  
Jess: You didn't just see that. No, really, you didn't. It was an...optical illusion! Yeah!  
  
bWas it an optical illusion? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Have more questions next time!  
  
bWill I have more questions next time? Tune in next time to find out!/b  
  
Lord Seth: That's better.  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 7/i  
  
Evil Villain: Mwahaha! I have the perfect evil plan! I'm going to steal everyone's souls!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, come on. That's not even original.  
  
Evil Villain: Ask me if I care.  
  
Lord Seth: Do you care?  
  
Evil Villain: *sob* Yes!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
In a hidden base...  
  
Sturm: This day is boring. I need something interesting to happen.  
  
Evil Villain: I'm here to steal your soul using my Soul-Stealer-O-Matic-2004!  
  
The Evil Villain uses his Soul-Stealer-O-Matic-2004 on Sturm.  
  
Evil Villain: Haha! I now have your soul!  
  
Sturm: So I'm soulless?  
  
Evil Villain: Yep.  
  
Sturm: YES! Now I can do whatever I want without fear of divine retribution. (on the phone) Hawke, please prepare the nuclear bombs.  
  
Evil Villain: But doesn't it make you feel bad?  
  
Sturm: Not especially.  
  
Evil Villain: ARGH! I'm no good at this. I'm going to give you your soul back.  
  
Sturm: NOOOO!!!!  
  
Evil Villain: Yes! I get to do something evil!  
  
The Evil Villain gives back Sturm's soul and leaves.  
  
Sturm: Heh, heh. I knew if I pretended to miss my soul, he'd give it back! I am such a genius.  
  
Lord Seth: Guess there's a first time for everything.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lord Seth: You just said "-Black Hole-"!  
  
Well, this is a different part of Black Hole.  
  
Lord Seth: Be more specific, then! (grumbling) Stupid narrator...  
  
-Different part of Black Hole-  
  
Yellow Comet Soldier: Don't worry men, we should be fine. Uh, men?  
  
The Yellow Comet soldier looks to see all his men have deserted.  
  
Yellow Comet soldier: Dang, this is the fourth time this day. I wonder where they're all going.  
  
Meanwhile, on a UFO...  
  
Soldier: AAAAHHH! DON'T SUCK MY BRAINS OUT!  
  
Alien: Oh, come on, we're not going to suck your brains out.  
  
Soldier: Phew!  
  
Alien: No, we're going to suck everything OTHER than your brains out!  
  
Soldier: AAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Meanwhile, back on Wars World...  
  
Kanbei: Don't worry. I'm sure that things in Black Hole will get better before they get worse. After all, I sent Sensei to supervise the reconstruction.  
  
Sonja: Oh, like THAT's going to help...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sensei: All right, slaves! It's important that you work really hard! That way, you can work harder!  
  
It turns out Sensei is making all the citizens of Black Hole build a giant statue of him.  
  
Citizen: Weren't you supposed to be helping us out?  
  
Sensei: Of course I am! I'm helping you help me!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: *sigh* I'm lonely.  
  
Drake: What, you need a woman in your life?  
  
Eagle: I already have one too many women in my life.  
  
Drake: Who?  
  
Eagle: Jess.  
  
Jess: Eagle, get your fat butt off the couch! My show is on!  
  
Eagle: See?  
  
Drake: Well, you know, I could set you up with a date or something.  
  
Eagle: Oh, no you don't. I don't do dates. Just like I don't do drugs.  
  
Drake: Then why do you buy all those prescription pills without a prescription?  
  
Eagle: Because doctors are too inconsiderate to give me one. Would you believe one said I have an addiction problem?  
  
Drake: Yes.  
  
Eagle: Fortunately, I managed to escape from that prison camp.  
  
Drake: Wasn't it a rehabilitation center?  
  
Eagle: That was just their name for it. I know what they were doing behind the scenes...they were...doing horrible experiments!  
  
Drake: Like what?  
  
Eagle: They were experimenting on how to turn people into...VAMPIRES!!!  
  
Drake: They were not!  
  
Eagle: Yes they were!  
  
Drake: That's it. I'm getting you a girlfriend. You have too much time on your hands.  
  
Eagle: I just know madcap hijinxs will come of this.  
  
bWill madcap hijinx occur because of this? Have you noticed that the first question in this part is usually a question version of what the last line was? Was the previous question too long? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 8/i  
  
Previously, more completely random antics occured. And Drake decided to get Eagle a girlfriend.  
  
Drake: Let's see...gotta be someone who shares Eagle's interests in here somewhere...nope, there's no one! Guess that sure brought THAT plot to a screeching halt.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Hmmm. Yellow Comet is bogged down in a gorilla-style war in Black Hole.  
  
Cut to Black Hole.  
  
Yellow Comet Soldier: Now, be very careful. We don't want to be caught unaware.  
  
Dozens of gorillas come out of nowhere.  
  
Yellow Comet Soldier: Uh-oh. This isn't good.  
  
Back in Orange Star...  
  
Andy: So don't you think we should help them out?  
  
Nell: Why?! They went ahead without any proof Black Hole was dangerous-  
  
Andy: They've invaded us twice! How is that not dangerous?  
  
Nell: -not to mention without our permission. But mostly because we're just really lazy.  
  
Andy: So we don't help?  
  
Nell: Nope. We laugh at their comical struggle.  
  
Andy: Now THAT is a plan I can agree with!  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Bowser: I have the perfect plan this time! Kidnap Mario, then have Peach come to his rescue! And I've already got Mario, now Peach will come to save him, and I'll capture Peach! It's perfect!  
  
Peach comes through the door.  
  
Peach: Mario! I'm here to rescue you!  
  
Bowser: Yeah, right! You think you can beat me?  
  
Peach throws her crown at Bowser and he is defeated, but the crown breaks.  
  
Peach: And don't think you're not paying for that, you know.  
  
Peach rescues Mario and drags Bowser to the Mushroom Kingdom Palace.  
  
Peach: And Bowser, until you pay off your debt, it's YOUR job to clean all the toilets in the castle!  
  
Bowser: How long do I have to do this?  
  
Peach: Let's see...according to the worth of that crown...about 2 days.  
  
Bowser: That doesn't sound so bad.  
  
Peach: Wait, I forgot to carry the 4. It's actually 2 years.  
  
Bowser faints.  
  
Peach: And by the way, fainting adds an extra month to the length of servitude.  
  
Back in our original story...  
  
Kanbei: Well, the reconstruction of Black Hole is finished. Now let's get out of there.  
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: Mwahaha! They've left! Now I can resume control of Black Hole!  
  
So Sturm re-conquers Black Hole.   
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Uh...Sturm took back control of Black Hole.  
  
Kanbei: So?  
  
Sonja: So all that time and effor we spent trying to reconstruct Black Hole failed!  
  
Kanbei: So?  
  
Sonja: Uh...it's bad?  
  
Kanbei: I disagree! And because you have disagreed with me, I sentence you to be...BURNED TO DEATH!  
  
Sonja: What?  
  
Kanbei: I'm trying to be a bit more creative. So we're just going to make a bonfire and toss you in.  
  
Sonja: *sigh*  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: It's time for me to make even more money! My latest scheme is to make people think they're giving a charity, when it's actually going straight to me!  
  
Employee: Sir, I believe that's illegal. You know, because it's false advertising.  
  
Hachi: Hey, the money does go to a good cause: Me!  
  
bIs Hachi a good cause? Will Red Sun ever make a re-appearance? Is this the last episode of Season 2, or will we make a few more? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 II, Part 9/i  
  
For no reason other than boredom, we decided to add one more episode to this season.   
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Jess: It's that time again!  
  
Drake: What time is it?  
  
Jess: It's time to...find out what time it is again!  
  
Drake faints.  
  
Jess: And it's time to...find out what time it is!  
  
Drake: Just tell us what time it is already!  
  
Jess: It's time to...cut to someplace else!  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Greetings, guy with bad memory.  
  
Sensei: What's my name again?  
  
Kanbei: *sigh* Take these memory pills.  
  
Sensei takes the pills.  
  
Sensei: Oh no! I just remembered something important I forgot to do!  
  
Kanbei: What was it?  
  
Sensei: I was supposed to...KILL YOU!  
  
Kanbei: WHAT?!  
  
Sensei: What, aren't you Max?  
  
Kanbei: No. But we do have an astonishing resemblence to each other.  
  
Sensei: Well, it's time to go kill Max!  
  
Sensei leaves.   
  
Kanbei: Sucker!  
  
Kanbei takes off a disguise and it's really Max.  
  
Max: Now it's time to...I don't know, do something!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Hey, Olaf, I've got the perfect plan on how to increase our army's strength.  
  
Olaf: Not now, Grit. I'm busy with more important matters.  
  
Grit: Like what?  
  
Olaf: Like how many donuts I can eat in an hour.  
  
Grit: *sigh* I need to ask for a raise.  
  
Colin: Important news! Important news!  
  
Grit: What is it, Colin?  
  
Colin: According to a new warning by the FDA, people should under no circumstances try to find out how many donuts they can eat in an hour. It can cause dizziness, stupidity, death, and possibly spontaneous combustion.   
  
Olaf: But who would be dumb enough to try that out anyway?  
  
Both Grit and Colin stare at Olaf.  
  
Grit: This isn't good.  
  
BOOOMMM!!!  
  
Grit: Oh no! Olaf blew up!  
  
Olaf: I did not blow up! That tank over there did, not me! And man, those donuts were good! Now me not hungry no more.  
  
Grit: Dang, now he's even dumber than normal. Guess those donuts did have an effect on him after all.  
  
Colin: I wouldn't be too sure about that...I'm not sure he's any dumber. Or, for that matter, if he can be any dumber.  
  
A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far away...  
  
Darth Vader: Luke...I am your father!  
  
Luke: Cool!  
  
Darth Vader: What, aren't you going to go "NOOOO!!!" and start doubting yourself or something?  
  
Luke: Hey, I always wanted to rule the galaxy!  
  
Darth Vader: Argh...  
  
Andy (watching the movie): Man, I LOVE these Star Wars bloopers!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: I've had it with these neverending wars! It's time to ready the reinforcements! From space!  
  
Hawke: Oh, who cares? We all know that if it's serious it's going to fail in the early stages, because it's hard to make jokes when the story has a point.  
  
Sturm: Enough! I have spoken! We shall page the motherworld for ships and troops and stuff! And then we shall at last conquer this world!  
  
Hawke: How long is that going to take?  
  
Sturm: A while. Probably about the length of time between this season and the next.  
  
Hawke: Must we repeat that joke again?  
  
Sturm: Yep.  
  
Lash: So, uh, how are we going to pass the time between now and when the troops arrive?  
  
Sturm: Does it matter? It's just going to cut away from us now anyway.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Drake: Let's check the ol' telescope to see if there's anything interesting going on.  
  
Drake looks in the telescope.  
  
Drake: Holy smokes! And how are smokes holy? Anyway, there's a giant armada of...thingies heading this way!  
  
Earlier that day, on Sturm's home planet...  
  
Alien: Sturm is requesting reinforcements.  
  
Alien 2: I thought we only told him to go conquer that planet to get him out of our hair.  
  
Alien 1: Dang, is this like Invader Zim or what?  
  
Alien 2: Let's just send him some troops to get him to shut up.  
  
bWill Sturm shut up? Will Sturm conquer the world? Will Sturm become intelligent? Will Sturm not be the object of any of these questions? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 III!/b


	3. Season 3

iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 1/i  
  
Lord Seth: Dang, Season 3 already?  
  
Seems that way.  
  
Lord Seth: Why do I always seem to have these conversations with the narrator at the beginning of the story, if I ever show up?  
  
Beats me.  
  
Lord Seth: Argh! Anyway, to recap, Sturm managed to get some more troops from his home world. But before we find out anything about that, let's...I don't know, see something else.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: I just fixed a tank! Look!  
  
Sami gets in the tank and it collapses on top of her.  
  
Andy: Oops.  
  
Lord Seth: Okay, that's enough. Let's just go to Black Hole...or something...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Yes! My new troops are here!  
  
Suddenly, all the troops disappear.  
  
Sturm: What?!!  
  
Lord Seth: Well, I was just struck by an idea for a different plot. I'll just shelve this for later. THEN the troops will re-appear. Anyway, it's time for crossovers.  
  
Sturm: NOOOOO!!! Anything but crossovers!  
  
Lord Seth: Yep, crossovers.   
  
Sturm: Uh-oh.  
  
bDoes this quality as an "Uh-oh"? Will the cross-overs be any good? Why did I spell it "crossover" before and "cross-over" just now? Is it spelled with our without a hyphen? What will happen to the non-existant character Fred? Is the saving function in Fire Emblem horrible? What's the point of all these questions? Are there too many irrelevant questions here? Are there too many questions, period? Am I ever going to stop? Is this funny at all? Why did I just ask that? Why is grass green? Why is the sky blue? Am I getting repetitive and boring? Is the only reason there are so many questions here to take up space because this part was so short? Am I getting annoying now?/b  
  
Lord Seth: Yes. And tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75.  
  
bNo, you have to say it like you MEAN it!/b  
  
Lord Seth: I do. Now shut up.  
  
bWill I shut up?/b  
  
Lord Seth: That's it! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, NARRATOR!!!!  
  
bUh oh.../b  
  
The following scene is too violent to even show on HBO, so instead of showing it will will simply end this part.  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 2/i  
  
Previously, Sturm's plan to conquer the world failed before it even began (as usual) and we know we're in for some crossovers. Uh-oh.  
  
Cut to Lord Seth. He's playing videogames.  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, bother me later, okay? I've still got some stuff to do. Just, I don't know, stop this episode and give me until the next one, okay?  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 2.25/i  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: I sense a disturbance in the force...as if many voices started whining about cross-overs, and then started growing louder...  
  
Bowser: Phew! I finally got out of that Mushroom Kingdom Palace! I don't have to do two years of servitude after all! Too bad I still have this thing attached to my leg that shocks me every minute I'm out of the castle! OW! There it just went.  
  
1 minute later...  
  
Bowser: OW!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Mario: How did I get stuck with THIS lousy job?  
  
Begin weird flashback sequence.  
  
Mario: I don't want to look for Bowser! You look for him!  
  
Luigi: No, I want you to!  
  
Mario: Fine! We'll have a jumping contest! Whoever jumps higher wins!  
  
Both jump. Mario jumps higher.  
  
Mario: Haha! I jumped higher! That means I...have to go. Darn, I screwed up, didn't I?  
  
Luigi: Yep.  
  
Mario: Haha! While I go around having adventures and building up fame, you have to stay here and become...not as famous! Mwahahaha!  
  
Luigi: Uh...  
  
End weird flashback sequence thingy.  
  
Later, in Orange Star...  
  
Mario: Look! There's someone who might help! Hey, have you seen a giant turtle anywhere?  
  
Hachi: It depends. How much will you pay me?  
  
Mario: What?  
  
Hachi: If you pay me, I'll have seen him. If you don't, I didn't see him.  
  
Mario: That makes sense in its own strange kind of way. Okay, how much do you want?  
  
Hachi: 1 million coins.  
  
Mario: 1 million. Coins.  
  
Hachi: Yep!  
  
Mario: Oh, I'm going to talk to someone else.  
  
Mario leaves.  
  
Hachi: Where have I seen that guy before? He seems familiar.  
  
Above Hachi is a sign advertising the newest Mario game.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sturm: Prepare the battalions! Make sure our defenses are inpenetre...impenetra...inpenetrad...oh, just make sure they're hard to get through!  
  
Adder: Er, exactly who are we defending ourselves against?  
  
Sturm: The cross-over characters! They're coming!  
  
Adder: What makes you so sure? Who told you?  
  
Sturm: Lord Seth did! And everyone knows he always tells the truth! Well, except when he lies. But otherwise he always tells the truth!  
  
Adder: Sturm, exactly what is your IQ?  
  
Sturm: I can't remember. But I remember it was pretty good.  
  
Adder: How good?  
  
Sturm: I don't know, maybe 70-80.  
  
Adder: That's BELOW average!  
  
Sturm: What? I thought the average was 50. At least, that's what the IQ tester told me.  
  
Adder: *sigh* Who was the IQ tester?  
  
Sturm: Me!  
  
Adder: But how...oh, I'm not even going to continue talking to you. You're making my head hurt. And I've got a headache in my back, also.  
  
Adder leaves.  
  
Sturm: Well, better make sure no cross-over characters get in.  
  
Goomba: Hi! Can you give me directions?  
  
Sturm: AAAAAHHHH!!!!  
  
Sturm starts running around in circles and screaming.  
  
Goomba: Man, ask a simple question...  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: So how is the new national anthem coming alone?  
  
Sensei: It just says "Kanbei is mighty. Kanbei is strong." over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and-  
  
Kanbei: Then it's perfect!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Drake: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.  
  
Eagle: What are you talking about? How could you possibly think stealing a taxi and driving it off a cliff is a bad idea?  
  
Drake: Uh, besides the obvious?  
  
Eagle: Yes, besides the obvious.  
  
Drake: *sigh*   
  
Eagle: If you won't do it, I'll do it without you! I'll get Jess to do it instead.  
  
Drake: How are you going to get JESS to do it?  
  
Eagle: Hypnotism.  
  
Drake: Uh...why couldn't you just hypnotize me?  
  
Eagle: Good point! Let me get my pendelum!  
  
Drake: *sigh*  
  
bTune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 III!/b  
  
Lord Seth: ...What? You were expecting something extra?  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 3/i  
  
Last time...oh, just look at the previous part. I'm tired of doing these things.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Mario: All that looking and still no sign of Bowser.  
  
Meanwhile, behind Mario...  
  
Bowser: All that looking and still no sign of Mario.  
  
The two turn around and see each other. A giant battle occurs that would look absolutely awesome if not for the fact this is all text. Mario beats Bowser up and throws him into a trash can, which then then emptied into a garbage truck. Then the trash is flattened (with Bowser in it).  
  
Bowser (flattened and covered in garbage): I'll be back! Just you wait! Somehow, in some way, I'll be back! And once I'm back...YOU WILL SUFFER MY WRATH! (pause) Assuming you don't beat me up first, of course.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Jess: It's a full moon. You know what that means.  
  
Drake: What?  
  
Jess: Vampires are coming!  
  
Drake: What are you talking about? People turn into werewolves on a full moon, not vampires!  
  
Jess: Actually, there's no such thing as vampires or werewolves. There are really just...werevamps!  
  
Drake: ...  
  
Jess: Yeah! Werevamps! People who turn into vampires on a full moon!  
  
Drake: But you just said vampires didn't exist!  
  
Jess: Whatever! Anyway, werevamps arae distinguishable because of their immense stupidity. If you see someone who's stupid, usually in a comical way, odds are that they're werevamps.  
  
Eagle: Hey everyone!  
  
Drake and Jess stare at Eagle.  
  
Drake: ...Let's run.  
  
Drake and Jess scream and run away from Eagle. Eagle starts chasing them while turning into a vampire.  
  
Drake: Don't worry! We just have to keep running until the moon is no longer full!  
  
Man on TV: In a stunning development, it turns out that we'll actually have a full moon for three days! And because of some weird thingy that I'm not going to talk about, it's going to be night for all of those three days!  
  
Drake: This isn't good.  
  
bIs it good? Is it? Is it? IS IT? IS IT?! Find out next time, on the next increasingly pointless episode of Advance Wars 2.75 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 4/i  
  
I know something is supposed to be here, but what? Oh well, might as well start the story while I try to remember.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: This is bad! Olaf is dead!  
  
Grit: How dead?  
  
Colin: As dead as a doornail.  
  
Grit: Uh, actually, that means he's not dead. See, if something never lived, it can't die. A doorknob isn't a living thing and it didn't come from a living thing. So that means he's not dead. Of course, it also means he never lived. So-  
  
Colin: Oh, never mind. It turns out he was just in a coma anyway.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: I'm tired of all this random stuff! I want a continuing storyline! I want important stuff to happen! I want...uh, I'm not exactly certain right now. I'm kind of ab-libbing this as I go along.   
  
Lord Seth: I've got a great idea for a new plotline, but I want to wait until the next season to do it. So I'll just fill up this season with a bunch of nonsenical stories that make no sense.  
  
Max: You've done that in every season already!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh yeah...good point...  
  
Max: Whatever happened to all of those crossover characters anyway?  
  
Lord Seth: Beats me.  
  
A pause.  
  
Lord Seth: What, aren't you going to cut away to show what happened to him?  
  
No way! I'm on strike!  
  
Lord Seth: WHY?! I pay you half the minimum wage! Isn't that more than enough?  
  
No.  
  
Lord Seth: I'll deal with that later! Right now I've got more important things to worry about! Like whether the things I'm worrying about are important or not, for instance! And whether worrying about whether the things I'm worrying about are important. And about worrying whether-  
  
OKAY! SHUT UP! I'll come back!  
  
Lord Seth: No one can fight my...uh...whatever it was I was just doing...anyway, we've got to do something to liven up this story a bit!  
  
Grit: Well, we could just end this part here.  
  
Lord Seth: No! I did that gag enough in Season 8 of Advance Wars 2.5! I'm not doing it here...YET.  
  
An evil smile appears across Lord Seth's face.  
  
Lord Seth: Whatever. Because we need to finish this part, and because of some...personal difficulties.  
  
Grit: You mean like how you got mad at that one person and then they-  
  
Lord Seth: Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay?  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: We need to do something. So let's invade and conquer all of Wars World!  
  
Jess: You do know Lord Seth is just ripping this idea off of a story on fanfiction.net, right?  
  
Eagle: What?  
  
Jess: Forget it. You're hopeless.  
  
Drake: There's always hope!  
  
Jess: You're right. Eagle is only almost entirely completely absolutely definitely 100% hopeless.  
  
Eagle: And so...LET'S INVADE!!!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: I'm tired of having mostly competent COs. They make me look bad! I'm going to go back and conquer Red Sun so that I'll have less competent COs that'll make me look good!  
  
Hawke: But all the Red Sun COs stopped existing! How are you going to bring them back?  
  
Sturm: Lord Seth loves dramatic-yet-pointless plot twists. I'm sure that he'll bring them back.  
  
Later, in Red Sun...  
  
Sturm: I now control Red Sun! All we have to do is wait for the Red Sun COs to appear!  
  
Much later...  
  
Sturm: ARGH! Why aren't they here? Why?! Why doesn't Lord Seth bring them back?  
  
Lord Seth: You could have ASKED...  
  
Sturm: Fine! Will you bring them back!  
  
Lord Seth: Sure, sure. It won't take too long.   
  
Not too long later...  
  
Matt: Yes! We're back! Not existing sucks.  
  
Marl: Now, now, Matt, you know you're not supposed to talk like that.  
  
Matt: You're not. Not existing is like living under the oppressive confines of the capitalist economy!  
  
Marl: That's my boy!  
  
Lord Seth: And all is not right with the world! *wipes tear off of eye* I don't hate unhappy endings so little.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: All right...let's give those other countries what's coming to them! Ready...aim...begin dramatic plot twist!  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 5/i  
  
The previous part ended with a dramatic plot twist. If you want to see what it was, read the previous part. Or else...um...or else you won't understand what's going on! Yeah!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: I forgot. Who are we bombing again?  
  
Jess: I thought you knew!  
  
Eagle: I thought Drake knew.  
  
Both Jess and Eagle look at Drake.  
  
Drake: I thought...actually, I don't know who I thought knew.  
  
Eagle: Whatever! Let's go after...oh, Blue Moon.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Bad news, Olaf. Green Earth is going to invade us.  
  
Olaf: Why should I care?  
  
Grit: Besides the obvious?  
  
Olaf: Yep, besides the obvious.  
  
Grit: Um...well...  
  
Olaf: My point exactly! I shouldn't care!  
  
Grit: *sigh* As always, it's up to me.  
  
Grit goes out and destroys Green Earth's entire invasion force with his Rockets, Battleships, and, to a lesser extent, Missiles.  
  
Meanwhile, in one of the crashing planes...  
  
Eagle: This is all your fault, Drake!  
  
Drake: How is this MY fault?  
  
Eagle: Your being here has decreased the power of my air units!  
  
Drake: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  
  
Eagle: Aw, you say that about all the stupid things.  
  
Drake: *sigh*  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Well, I fixed your thingy.  
  
Max: Yeah! You know what, Andy? You're not so useless after all.  
  
Andy: Oh, you're just saying that.  
  
Max: You're right. I am.  
  
Andy: WHAT?!  
  
Andy pulls out a remote and presses a button. The Max is holding blows up.  
  
Max: Why you...  
  
Max starts chasing Andy in a circle.  
  
Andy: Note to self: Stop eating cinnabon buns before eating other cinnabon buns.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: AAAAHHH! A MONSTER!!!  
  
Sonja: That's just a mouse.  
  
Kanbei: Yeah, but it's a giant, radioactive mutant mouse!  
  
Sonja: Well, I guess that's true...  
  
Sensei: Oh, how bad could it be?  
  
The mouse eats Kanbei, Sonja, and Sensei.  
  
Sensei (inside the mouse's mouth): Is it too late to retract my statement?  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Matt: We haven't seen my sister for a while. I wonder where she is.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere else...  
  
Stephanie: Yes! My plan is succeeding! Only 24 more years, and I'll have finally got out of this underground maze!  
  
bWill Stephanie get out of the underground maze? Is it too late for Sensei to retract his statement? Is it...oh, why do I ever bother with this? It's not like it matters except when using a joke. I'm not even going to bother saying Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 III! again. Oh great, I just did./b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 6/i  
  
Previously, stuff happened.  
  
Lord Seth: It's time to make this story less random!  
  
Grit: With YOU as the author?  
  
Lord Seth: Good point. For the next 1 second, I will be accepting applications for co-authors! Beginning now!  
  
1 second later...  
  
Lord Seth: Too late!  
  
Grit: That, uh, didn't give people much time.  
  
Lord Seth: That was the point. I was using it for another joke.  
  
Grit: You're not funny anymore, you know that?  
  
Lord Seth: Yep. Absolutely.  
  
Grit: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: I know.  
  
Colin: I hate you, too.  
  
Lord Seth: I know.  
  
Sonja: I hate you, also.  
  
Lord Seth: I know.  
  
Marl: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: I kn...actually, I didn't know THAT. Thanks for telling me. You're going to suffer an unfortunate .  
  
Marl: WHAT?!?!?!  
  
Lord Seth: Yes! I'm going to wax up all of the floors you walk on, thus increasing the chance you'll trip, making it very probable that you'll have an accident. Mwahaha! Mwahaha! I'm bad, aren't I?  
  
Marl: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: I know.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Hmmm. I'm in charge again. Well, it's time we go and invade some countries. Again.  
  
Lash: But we never manage to conquer them! Why do we always try when it's been proven over and over it doesn't work?  
  
Hawke: We have bad memories.  
  
Lash: Ah.  
  
And so Black Hole invades the other countries of Wars World, a la Advance Wars 2, except with more humor.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Mwahaha! The game is afoot!  
  
Andy: The game is a foot? Doesn't sound like much of a game. How do you play a game with just one foot? Hopping?  
  
Nell: No you idiot! That's not what I was talking about!  
  
Andy: Oh.   
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Jess: Welcome to another episode of whatever the name of this show is! Today we find out if two heads really are better than one! We'll be using Drake and Eagle to find out!  
  
Cut to Drake writing on a piece of paper.  
  
Drake: Done!  
  
Jess: Good, Drake! You got an 80% on this quiz! Now let's check up on Eagle.  
  
Cut to Eagle.  
  
Eagle: Um...er...uh...  
  
Jess: Just fill it out.  
  
Eagle: Okay!  
  
Eagle fills it out randomly.  
  
Jess: Your score is...5%! You got the extra credit question right. Otherwise it would've been 0%. Anyway, let's see how it works when the two work together on it!  
  
Cut to Drake and Eagle working together on the test.  
  
Drake: The answer to this one is !  
  
Eagle: No, !  
  
Drake: !  
  
Eagle: !  
  
Drake: Never mind! Let's go onto the next question. I think it's true.  
  
Eagle: No, it's false!  
  
Drake: I got a much higher score than you did initially! My answer is bound to be correct!  
  
Eagle: Yeah, right.  
  
Drake: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN RIGHT NOW!  
  
A large fight erupts between Eagle and Drake (you know, like on those cartoons where there's that one big cloud where two people are fighting?). The piece of paper gets sucked in and comes out shredded.  
  
Jess: Well, it looks like they got a 0% on the test! That's lower than what either of them got before! So it looks like two heads aren't better than one. Anyway, join us next time, when we find out exactly if three heads are better than two! Until then...  
  
Jess gets dragged into the fighting cloud.  
  
Jess: ...be sure your medical insurance is paid!  
  
bIs this story too crazy? Too random? Did you think I was going to be predictable by writing Are your medical insurances paid? Ha! In your face! IN YOUR FACE!!! Oh yeah, and, uh, something about Advance Wars 2.75 III that I can't remember./b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 III, Part 7/i  
  
Previously...oh, what does it matter? Whatever plot there was will certainly be completely forgotten and there will just be a bunch of random skits instead.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: According to my calculations, the next random event should occur in about 2 seconds.  
  
Eagle: Grit! Long time no see!  
  
Grit: Uh...we kinda saw you YESTERDAY...  
  
Eagle: 24 hours is a long time!  
  
Grit: No it isn't!  
  
Eagle: It is if you're waiting for in line for the bathroom!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, all we need to do now is to declare war on Red Sun and all our problems are over.  
  
Hawke: HOW WILL THAT STOP OUR PROBLEMS?!  
  
Sturm: I don't know, but there has to be SOMETHING, right?  
  
Hawke: *sigh*  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Marl: It is time to conquer Black Hole!  
  
Matt: How is Sturm head of Black Hole again? I thought he was on our side.  
  
Marl: Enh.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: According to Red Sun we are an evil, fascist dictatorship.  
  
Hawke: So how do you respond to their message?  
  
Sturm: Tell them "WE ARE NOT AN EVIL FASCIST DICTATORSHIP! Evil, yeah, dictatorship, yeah, but whatever that other thing was, no.  
  
Hawke: So we're not fascist? Phew.   
  
Sturm: By the way, what's fascist mean anyway?  
  
Hawke faints a la animé style.  
  
Lord Seth: What was the point of this part?  
  
Adder: Space filler.  
  
Lord Seth: Ah.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Sonja: Yeah! Nothing bad has happened to me for...one week! And I haven't died in a month! Life is so great!  
  
Pause.  
  
Sonja: Why did I just say that? Argh, I bet it'll just cause me to get hurt or something.  
  
Longer pause.  
  
Sonja: Whaddya know? I survived! Woohoo! I'm safe after all!  
  
Lord Seth: What was the point of THIS part?  
  
Sensei: Space filler.  
  
Lord Seth: Ah.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: I know how to make billions of money! Let's bring out an operating system that's a complete ripoff of Macintosh, then made lots of money off of it even though we have absolutely no right to! Then let's engage in all sorts of fraud stuff like fake pro-Windows reviews!  
  
Employee: I have GOT to stop letting him read Bill Gate's diary.  
  
Lord Seth: What was the point of THIS part?  
  
Nell: A lame joke.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh.  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Nergal: Mwahaha! My evil plan is complete! Now all I have to do is sit back, relax, and do absolutely nothing while the good guys completely ruin my plan! Why do I do that? Because I have no common sense and am an idiot!  
  
Lord Seth: And what was the point of THIS part?  
  
Nergal: Don't ask me. I'm just a total moron who has plenty of power. I mean, if I weren't a moron, I would've done plenty of stuff different! You know, like kill the good guys when they were weak, like siccing Jaffar on them when I had the chance, like grabbing Ninian and Nils instead of just Ninian, like killing Eliwood's father when I had the chance, etc.  
  
Lord Seth: Exactly when does this take place?  
  
Nergal: I don't know. But I'm sure it can occur sometime in the game.  
  
Lord Seth: Grrrr...  
  
bGrrrr? Well, that's it for this season. Tune in to next season, when we try to (likely unsuccessfully) make this story a little more serious!/b


	4. Season 4

iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 1/i  
  
Last season, random stuff occured that probably could have started a decent plotline but didn't.  
  
Lord Seth: Welcome to Season 4! This story is already declining in quality enough already, so we've decided to change things a bit. First of all, we'll try to make a continuing storyline, and second of all, no more characters dying and then mysteriously coming back to life thanks to medical miracles! If someone's dead, they're dead for good...well, until Season 5, anyway. So without further ado, here is the story...and by the way, what is ado anyway?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: I'm no good at thinking up evil plans, so I'm going to let Hawke take over. Hawke, you now have unlimited power!  
  
Hawke: As my first act, I order you be excecuted!  
  
Sturm: Can I take that back?  
  
Hawke: Nope.  
  
Sturm: Drat.  
  
Sturm is dragged away and killed.  
  
Hawke: Death number one...  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Hmmm. Apparently Black Hole is planning on invading other countries.  
  
Max: What makes you think that?  
  
Andy: Well, other than their big sign that says "We're going to invade other countries!", they're also in the process of invading Orange Star.  
  
Max: Oh. Well, I guess it's time to get the COs together.  
  
Quite a bit later...  
  
Max: Okay, are we all clear on the plan?  
  
Hachi: Will it make me money?  
  
Max: No.  
  
Hachi: Not interested.  
  
Max: Well, uh...it'll let you KEEP your money!  
  
Hachi: Good enough for me!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Flak: Why are we invading ORANGE STAR? Why not Green Earth?  
  
Hawke: Heh, heh. This is merely a diversion. The rest of our army is going after Green Earth! Mwahaha!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Andy: Yes! My greatest invention is complete!  
  
Sami: What does THIS one do?  
  
Andy: Nothing! That means it can't backfire!  
  
Sami: Wasn't this in Advance Wars 2.5? Well, I'm getting the heck out of here.  
  
Sami leaves.  
  
Andy: I wonder why she left. This machine is harmless it can't do ANYTHING.  
  
The machine falls on Andy and crushes him. A ghost-like Andy stands up from the crushed Andy.  
  
Andy: Hmm. I must be dead.  
  
Pause.  
  
Andy: Cool!  
  
-Red Sun-  
  
Lord Seth: Well, I have no use for you guys anymore. Bye!  
  
Matt: So we're going to cease to exist again?  
  
Lord Seth: Yep.  
  
Matt: Cool! Not existing is the coolest feeling!  
  
Lord Seth: I hate talking with you. But anyway...  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Drake: I forgot. Did Black Hole attack us yet?  
  
Eagle: I can't remember. But if he did, then it was just false information given to us by Black Hole.  
  
Jess: Why would Black Hole send us fake information telling us they invaded us?!  
  
Eagle: I don't know.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Ahhh. Being the only consistent intelligent character who doesn't have horrible things happen to them is always nice.  
  
Colin: Bad news! A bunch of black troops have appeared!  
  
Olaf: *gasp* Colin, I can't believe you're racist!  
  
Colin: I'm not racist! I was referring to Black Hole troops!  
  
Grit: *sigh* Let's just go get rid of them.  
  
Later...  
  
Grit: Our Artilleries and Rockets are pointed right at you! You can't win!  
  
Lash: Haha! But my Rockets are pointed at you! Or, to be more precise, Colin!  
  
The rockets all hit Colin. He blows up.  
  
Colin: Man, this sucks!  
  
Grit: FIRE!  
  
All of the Rockets and Artillery hit Lash, killing her.  
  
Olaf: Gee, what's with all the deaths anyway?  
  
bWhat IS with all the deaths? What is Black Hole's master plan? Do they even have a master plan? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 2/i  
  
Previously, Sturm, Andy, Colin, and Lash were all killed.   
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Our plan is succeeding! All is going as planned!  
  
Adder: Even Lash being killed?  
  
Hawke: Even Lash being killed.  
  
Adder: You're not going to get me killed, though, right?  
  
Hawke: We'll see. We'll see.  
  
Adder: *sigh*  
  
Hawke: Now we only need to take over Yellow Comet!  
  
Flak: WHY?!  
  
Hawke: I have my reasons.  
  
Flak: *sigh*  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Father! Black Hole is invading!  
  
Kanbei: Really? We must ready the defenses!  
  
Sonja: That was...really intelligent...  
  
Kanbei: Of course it was! I'm always brilliant! Sometimes I may be an idiot, but I'm still brilliant!  
  
Sonja: ...  
  
Kanbei: So let's crush them with superior numbers!  
  
Sonja: But you need to engage them in an area with secure bases! Otherwise they'll get them all and...oh, who am I kidding?  
  
Later...  
  
Kanbei: Yes! We shall now crush them!  
  
Later...  
  
Kanbei: Uh-oh! They captured my HQ because I was so busy attacking! *shrugs* Oh well, guess you can't win them all! But I'll beat them later, right?  
  
Later...  
  
Kanbei: Yes! We have driven back Black Hole!  
  
Sonja: ...Several feet. They've still surrounded us.  
  
Adder: Yellow Comet COs! Come out with your hands up and prepare to be executed!  
  
Sensei: I think we should do what he says.  
  
Kanbei: Why?!  
  
Sensei: Because that would get me out of range of your bad breath. Yuck!  
  
Adder (outside): Ah, screw it, let's just grab them all.  
  
Black Hole soldiers drag Sonja, Kanbei, and Sensei out and push them against the wall.  
  
Adder: Firing squad, are you ready?  
  
Firing squad: No. Someone replaced all our bullets with miniature action figures.  
  
Adder: Aw, I guess we'll have to kill them the old-fashioned way.  
  
Soldier: Use a sword?  
  
Adder: No, drop some anvils on them. Or stuff them full of dynamite. I'm not too particular.  
  
Some Black Hole soldiers drop anvils on Kanbei and Sensei, but Sonja manages to escape before they drop one on her.  
  
Adder: Enh, let her go. I mean, how much damage can one child do?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Yes! Under my brilliant leadership, we've conquered Yellow Comet! Now to complete our invasion of Orange Star!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Oh great, now we're surrounded and are about to die.  
  
Hachi: Not me!  
  
Hachi pulls out a remote and a helicopter appears. He climbs into it and flies away.  
  
Hachi: I escaped! Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough* Can't breath...  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Nell: Don't worry! I'm super-lucky, so I'm sure I'll miraculously dodge all the bullets!  
  
Sami: But what about US?!  
  
Nell: Um, nice knowing you?  
  
Max: Quick, scatter! They can't hit us all!  
  
The three run. Sami is gunned down by the Black Hole soldiers, but Nell and Max manage to escape.  
  
Nell: Don't worry. We'll just have to set up a guerrilla fighting force and take back Orange Star.  
  
Max: So let's get some gorillas! Hey, where are gorillas anyway?  
  
Nell: There's one right there!  
  
Nell points at Max.  
  
Max: Are you calling ME a gorilla?  
  
Nell: No, I meant the gorilla behind you!  
  
Max: Uh-oh.  
  
bIs it time for a "uh-oh"? Will Black Hole succeed with their nefarious plan? What does nefarious mean anyway? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 3/i  
  
bNefarious:/b Flagrantly wicked or impious: EVIL.  
  
Lord Seth: I figured for once, just once, we might as well answer one of the ending questions! Anyway, on with the story!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: I forgot. Did Black Hole invade us?  
  
Jess: I don't think so...  
  
Drake: Well, they sure are now! Look! A lot of black tanks!  
  
Jess: Why are they always black anyway? Why don't they spray-paint their units green so they can sneak up on us?  
  
Hawke (on one of the tanks, writing it down): Hey, that's a great idea, Jess! Thanks!  
  
Jess: Any time.  
  
Hawke: And I shall thank you by...KILLING YOU!!!  
  
Jess: That's not much of a thanks.  
  
Hawke: I know.  
  
The tanks fire and Jess is obliterated.  
  
Hawke: And now for the rest of you!  
  
Hawke looks around and sees no one.  
  
Hawke: Where are they?  
  
A large shadow appears. Hawke looks up and sees a giant bomb.  
  
Hawke: Drat.  
  
The bomb explodes, killing Hawke and whatever was left of the plot.  
  
Eagle (on the bomber): And the next time you try to invade us, be sure to...wait, he's dead. There won't be a next time. *shrugs* Oh well.  
  
Drake: Wow...you seemed intelligent for once...  
  
Eagle: Yep! I've been taking lessons!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Adder: Oh no! Our not-so-beloved leader is killed! Who will take control of Black Hole now?  
  
Flak: We're the only two Black Hole COs left. There's only one way to settle this.  
  
Adder: What?  
  
Flak: TEXAS DEATH MATCH!  
  
Adder: Huh?  
  
Flak: It's basically an Arizona Death Match except with bigger egos.  
  
Adder: Oh, come now. I'm sure we can settle our problems in a simpler fashion.  
  
Flak: Like what?  
  
Adder: Mud wrestling!  
  
Flak: How about no?  
  
Adder: You're right. Let's see who can take out the most enemy COs first!  
  
Flak: You're on!  
  
Adder: Incidentally, did you check Hawke's papers to see what his master plan was?  
  
Flak: I checked. He just scribbled "Ab-lib it as you go along" a few times.  
  
Adder: D'oh!  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Lyn: You led us completely off track!  
  
Wallace: Hey, I have a really bad sense of direction, okay!  
  
Lyn: Great. How far off track did we get anyway?  
  
Lyn looks and sees Mario punching Bowser's lights out.  
  
Lyn: Nevermind.  
  
Back in our original story...  
  
Adder: Okay, whoever can kill more enemy COs in one part becomes leader of Black Hole. So let's begin...now!  
  
bWill they begin now? Will this cause a stunning plot twist? Who will win, Adder or Flak? Why do I even freaking BOTHER with these questions? Find out next time, MAYBE, on Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 4/i  
  
Previously...stuff happened. Or something like that.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Phew! We finally managed to outrun that stupid gorilla!  
  
Max: Wait, I'm confused. Wasn't I dead?  
  
Nell: Good point.  
  
Nell whips out a gun and shoots Max.  
  
Max: I have got to learn to keep my mouth shut...  
  
Max falls forward on top of Nell. Because Max is super-heavy, Nell is squashed and killed.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Adder: Okay, I'll take Orange Star and Blue Moon. You take Yellow Comet and Green Earth.  
  
Flak: Whoever kills the most enemy COs wins!  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Phew! I managed to outrun those stupid Black Hole soldiers! I wonder what to do now.  
  
Sonja walks forward and steps into a net trap. She's hanging from a tree in a net.  
  
Sonja: Oh, fudge.  
  
Later...  
  
Adder: Woohoo! I caught someone in my trap!  
  
Lord Seth: I thought you weren't doing Yellow Comet.  
  
Adder: Enh.  
  
Lord Seth: Okey dokey!  
  
Adder: Hey, where'd Sonja go?  
  
Adder sees the net has broken and Sonja is running away.  
  
Adder: Woohoo! Sport!  
  
Adder starts chasing after Sonja.  
  
Sonja: Think, Sonja, think...what do they do in the movies in times like this? Oh yeah, trip!  
  
Sonja trips and falls. Adder catches up with her.  
  
Sonja: Weird. I'm usually not that stupid.  
  
Adder: Time to kill you!  
  
The camera cuts away.  
  
Lord Seth: You know, if this was anime, it would obviously be a scene that was cut.  
  
Flak: Well, this isn't anime!  
  
Lord Seth: Aren't you supposed to be off killing some COs?  
  
Flak: I already got rid of Hachi. Now I need to kill Olaf.  
  
Lord Seth: Shouldn't you be looking for him, then?  
  
Flak: No reason to. I already put a nuclear time-bomb inside him. It should be going off about...now.  
  
A giant mushroom cloud appears.  
  
Flak: Yep! He's gone!  
  
Lord Seth: You're acting surprisingly intelligent right now.  
  
Flak: Yeah, it runs in the...something...it starts with "fami" and ends with "ly" but I can't remember it.  
  
Lord Seth: It seems like you're becoming more stupid now.  
  
Flak: Yep! It runs in...well, whatever that thing was.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Adder: Who's not dead? Who's not dead? Got to be some CO I can kill...  
  
Adder sees Grit.  
  
Adder: Got you!  
  
Grit shoots at Adder. He misses by half an inch, and Adder screams and runs away.  
  
Grit: That should get rid of him.  
  
Later...  
  
Adder: Let's see...I'll go after Eagle!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: I have a bad feeling.  
  
Drake: Let's see...that's either ominous foreshadowing, or because that milk you drank last night was expired by three years.  
  
Eagle: I think it's the foreshadowing one.  
  
Adder appears.  
  
Adder: Any last words, Eagle?  
  
Eagle: Um...all's well that ends well?  
  
Adder: Good enough for me!  
  
Adder kills Eagle in some way that we won't bother to describe. It might give people ideas.  
  
Adder: You're next, Drake!  
  
Flak: Too bad, Adder! I got him!  
  
One scene that was cut out later...  
  
Adder: Yes! I killed him!  
  
Flak: What are you talking about? I did!  
  
Adder: There's only one way to settle this...  
  
Flak: What, see who can kill the other first?  
  
Adder: Pretty much.  
  
Both Adder and Flak whip out guns. Adder whips out a giant bazooka and Flak whips out a small gun. Both shoot each other. Flak is blown to smithereens, and Adder is shot in the heart.  
  
Adder: Ha! At least there's something of me left to bury! So I win!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Sami: Woohoo! I'm alive!  
  
A giant chocolate bar appears. It's on a giant mousetrap.  
  
Sami: Oh no. I'm not going to fall for that again.  
  
bWill she fall for it again? Obviously. Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 IV, Part 5/i  
  
Previously, more COs were killed. A lot of COs. I'd name them, but at the moment I'm watching TV and I probably shouldn't even be writing this. Expect the quality to go down this episode. But, you were expecting that anyway, weren't you?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Sami is standing in front of a giant mousetrap, except instead of cheese there's chocolate.  
  
Sami (trying to look away): Must...resist...must...not...eat...and...die...ah, to heck with it!  
  
Sami jumps to the chocolate and the mousetrap kills her.  
  
Lord Seth: The moral here is, never eat pizza with cheese on backwards.  
  
Vapor: That's a horrible moral.  
  
Lord Seth: Okay, okay. Never eat chocolate with mousetraps on backwards.  
  
Vapor: Closer.  
  
Lord Seth: Don't eat chocolate if it's in a mousetrap, especially if it's a giant mousetrap! Is that good enough for you?!  
  
Vapor: Yes.  
  
Lord Seth: As a space filler, we are going to see how much we can write of a story in...let's see...6 minutes? Wasn't the last one 5 minutes? I always like having it be one minute more. Okay, let's try 6 minutes. And I know a lot of the characters in the story are dead. So sue me. And I warn you, I have really good lawyers! And let's begin...NOW!  
  
iAdvance Wars 2 point some number followed by some roman numeral, part some number/i   
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Aren't we supposed to be dead or something?  
  
Drake: Enh.  
  
Eagle: Anyway, today is a special day!  
  
Drake: Dare I ask why?  
  
Eagle: I don't know. Do you dare?  
  
Drake: *sigh* Yes.  
  
Eagle: It's because today is Friday!  
  
Drake: Er...why is that special?  
  
Eagle: Because it's not any other day of the week!  
  
Drake: Wasn't this in Advance Wars 2.5?  
  
Eagle: Don't ask me. Lord Seth turned back the clock so it didn't happen, so we don't remember any of it. But this occurred AFTER Advance Wars 2, so we do remember it. Of course, why could we even remember we don't remember the original? It doesn't make sense.  
  
Drake: PLEASE cut away.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Weird. This feels more like an actual part than a short story.  
  
Olaf: Today is a very special day!  
  
Grit: Please don't start that again.  
  
Olaf: Okay, okay, okay. Anyway, because of new gun control laws, you're not supposed to be carrying that gun around without a permit.  
  
Grit: Guess I'll get one then.  
  
Later, at the permit office...  
  
Grit: So can I get a permit to use this gun?  
  
Clerk: Let's see...well, unlike apparently every other character in this story, you're intelligent, sane, and not unlucky. So I guess you get one.  
  
Grit: Yeah! Now to test it out!  
  
Grit shoots the gun but accidentally hits the clerk, who dies.  
  
Grit: Oops.  
  
Clerk: Ha! In my last few seconds of living, I just signed the form that says you can't have the gun! MWAHAHAHAH-  
  
The clerk drops dead.  
  
Lord Seth: This was completely pointless.  
  
Grit: I know.  
  
Pause.  
  
Lord Seth: How much time do I have left anyway?  
  
Grit: Let's see...about...one minute.  
  
Lord Seth: Really? Better get a move on then!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Today our evil plan is to launch missiles at every country in Wars World.  
  
Hawke: Except Black Hole, right?  
  
Sturm: Why skip Black Hole?  
  
Hawke: Because we ARE Black Hole!  
  
Sturm: That is a good point. I'll take it into consideration.  
  
Hawke: Didn't you try this plan before?  
  
Sturm: Yes, but the  
  
bThe End!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Interesting. Now we've wasted enough space, so let's get on with the story.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit is looking around.  
  
Grit: Hmmm. Everyone else has been killed. I'm the only one left.  
  
A pause.  
  
Grit: Yeah! I can finally get some target practice!  
  
Grit takes out his gun and tries to shoot at some cans. It won't fire.  
  
Grit: I must be out of bullets.  
  
Grit starts pounding the ground and crying.  
  
Grit: *sob* It's not fair! It's not fair at all! *crying* There was time now! It's not fair! IT'S NOT FA...wait, I just had the safety on. There we go. Now for some target practice.  
  
bTune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b


	5. Season 5

iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 1/i  
  
Lord Seth: Well, using the latest in plot recovery medical technology, we have successfully brought all the COs back to life.Too bad the previous season was so short...  
  
Grit: So what's your plot idea now?  
  
Lord Seth: We're going to recycle an uncompleted idea from Advance Wars 2.5!  
  
Grit: Great. Just great.  
  
Lord Seth: Thank you! I knew it was a great idea!  
  
Grit: That wasn't a compliment.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh? Then why'd you say it?  
  
Grit: Do you know the meaning of the word sarcasm?  
  
Lord Seth: I will as soon as I look it up in a dictionary!  
  
Grit: sigh  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: At long last, we have managed to re-create the Ultra Bomb 3000.  
  
Hawke: I thought it was supposed to be called the Nuclear Bomb. Or the Atomic Bomb. Whatever.  
  
Lash: But doesn't Ultra Bomb 3000 have such a better marketing ring to it?  
  
Hawke: We're not marketing this! We're using it as a weapon to destroy the other countries!  
  
Lash: We could make a lot of money off of it if we tried to sell it...  
  
Hawke: We don't want money! We want power!  
  
Lash: Money IS power!  
  
Hawke: ARGH! Look, just make some "Ultra Bomb 3000"s for me, okay?  
  
Lash: Okay, okay, but I still say you're missing a fortune...  
  
Hawke: Just make them and tell me when they're finished. How long do you think it'll be?  
  
Lash: Not too long...I'd say...about the time between right now and the end of this part.  
  
Hawke: Ah. Well, I might as well kill time until then.  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Eliwood: Good job, Troy! I'm glad you're my son. You're so strong, if anyone ever threatens our kingdom, you'll destroy them!  
  
Out of nowhere, an anvil lands on Troy and kills him.  
  
Eliwood: Great. Now I'll have to erase all documents proving he exists and train my other son instead.  
  
Back in our original story...  
  
Lash: Okay, it's all ready!  
  
Adder: That was quick.  
  
Flak: Yeah, it seemed like only a century.  
  
Everyone stares at Flak.  
  
Flak: What?  
  
Hawke: Excellent. Aim them at the capitals of the other countries.  
  
Four bombs simultaneously strike and destroy the capitals of four different countries. Tens of thousands are dead and/or injured. Horrified citizens watch the carnage.   
  
The atomic age has begun.  
  
bTo Be Continued.../b  
  
Lord Seth: Grit, I need help.  
  
Grit: What?  
  
Lord Seth: You told me to look up the word sarcasm in a dictionary...  
  
Grit: Yes?  
  
Lord Seth: I forgot. What's a dictionary?  
  
Colin: Just look up the meaning in a dictionary!  
  
Lord Seth: That's not exactly a help.  
  
Grit: Lord Seth, everyone KNOWS you just put this here to try to lighten the mood from what just happened...  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. Right.  
  
A pause.  
  
Lord Seth: What just happened?  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 2/i  
  
Insert recap here.  
  
Lord Seth and various other members of the Advance Wars 2 board on GameFAQs are all sitting in a circle.  
  
Lord Seth: I'm Lord Seth, and I've been an AdvanceWars-holic for...a really long time.  
  
Pause.  
  
Lord Seth: And I'm proud of it, by golly! You're not going to take it away from me!  
  
Lord Seth dashes out. Everyone stares after him.  
  
Jax Omen: That was strange.  
  
Lord Seth runs back in.  
  
Lord Seth: I need a more dramatic escape!  
  
Lord Seth whips a rocket pack out of nowhere and blasts through the ceiling.  
  
StarFoxRocks: That was even more strange.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: So...have the other countries given in to our demands?  
  
Lash: No.  
  
Sturm: WHAT?! After I demonstrated my power by dropping atomic bombs on their capitals!  
  
Lash: That wasn't exactly YOUR power.  
  
Sturm: It was close enough!  
  
Lash: Anyway, you didn't GIVE them any demands.  
  
Sturm: Oh.  
  
Pause.  
  
Sturm: Well, tell them I demand all their hot dogs!  
  
Lash: sigh Okay.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Okay, so we have our own atomic bomb now?  
  
Andy: Yeah, but don't you think the Ultra Bomb 3001 is a much better name?  
  
Nell: No.  
  
Andy: But I think it's such a great name if we try to market it.  
  
Nell: WE'RE NOT TRYING TO MARKET IT! WE'RE TRYING TO USE IT IN CASE BLACK HOLE USES THEIR BOMBS AGAINST US!  
  
Andy: I think I may have just become deaf...  
  
Max: Important news! Black Hole demands we give them all our hot dogs or they'll drop more atomic bombs on us!  
  
Nell: That's bad, right?  
  
Max: sigh Yes.  
  
Nell: Well, I refuse! We have our own atomic bomb now, so they can't blackmail us! Not with atomic bombs, at least!  
  
Andy: There's something else they can blackmail us with!  
  
Nell: Um...no. Nope! Nothing! Nothing at all!  
  
Andy: Good. I was afraid there might actually be something they could blackmail us with. Phew! What a relief!  
  
Nell: ...  
  
Andy: But what if they do drop the bomb on us?  
  
Nell: We just do the same to them.  
  
Andy: But two wrongs don't make a right!  
  
Nell: But three rights make a left!  
  
Andy: Oh. Right.  
  
A pause.  
  
Andy: Could you explain that to me, please?  
  
Nell: ...  
  
b...? Can Black Hole blackmail Orange Star? How many seasons long will this story be anyway? Why'd we choose the term "seasons" anyway? Why do I keep saying "anyway", anyway? No matter what the answers turn out to be, tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 V anyway!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 3/i  
  
Previously, Sturm demanded hot dogs or else he would launch more atomic bombs at the countries. How pathetic. I mean, he's got the ultimate power and he just wants HOT DOGS? How silly can you get?  
  
Lord Seth: I don't pay you to conduct editorials!  
  
You don't pay me at all!  
  
Lord Seth: You get good work benefits. You know, like the dental plan.  
  
Oh. Right.  
  
Lord Seth: I hate having these conversations with the narrator, so let's get on with the story!  
  
A pause.  
  
Lord Seth: NOW!!!!!!!!!  
  
Okay, okay. Sheesh...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: So, Lash, do we have enough atomic bombs to wipe out everyone else?  
  
Lash: They're Ultra Bomb 3000's!  
  
Sturm: Well, whatever they're called, do we have enough? And is that apostrophe really supposed to be after 3000?  
  
Lash: Yes. To both.  
  
Sturm: Good.  
  
Lash: ...If they were about 1,000 times stronger, that is. The bombs, I mean.  
  
Sturm: Curses! Foiled again!  
  
Lash: sigh What have I told you about foil?  
  
Sturm: Never go near it, it screws up all your mechanical stuff for no apparent reason?  
  
Lash: Yep.  
  
Sturm: ...and it's somehow magnetically attracted towards you, so you can't get it off?  
  
Lash: Yep.  
  
Sturm (covered in foil): Curses! Foiled again!  
  
Lash: That joke doesn't even make sense!  
  
Sturm: It's suppposed to be a pun. A punny pun.  
  
Lash: sigh  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: So Sturm demands all our hot dogs?  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: And if we don't give them to them, they're going to drop bombs on us?  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: Enh. No big deal.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
TV Announcer: The winning lottery numbers are 1-2-6-3-5-3-5-3! That makes Nell the winner...for the millionth time.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Citizen: I hate always losing lotteries to that Nell! Let's OVERTHROW HER!!!  
  
All other citizens: YEAH!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh great, ANOTHER revolution?  
  
Citizen: He doesn't believe in the revolution! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!  
  
Lord Seth: Uh...I'm really with you! Yeah!  
  
Citizen: Oh well. Might as well let him go then.  
  
Lord Seth: Good idea. Without me, you'd all cease to exist.  
  
Citizen: That's bad, right?  
  
Lord Seth: Yes.  
  
Later...  
  
Nell: Exactly HOW many times have we been overthrown?  
  
Max: X times.  
  
Nell: X times?  
  
Max: Yeah. X is a variable that stands for the number of times we were overthrown. I anticipated your next question, so I decided to use X in preparation for a joke.  
  
Nell: Er...  
  
Andy: Yeah, but how many times have we managed to regain power again?  
  
Max: X-1 times.  
  
Nell: I hate you all.  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Lord Seth: I thought we were only going to do this joke once a season!  
  
We did it already this season?  
  
Lord Seth: I think so. Now get back to the story, I hate these stupid conversations with the narrator! They get...oh, what's the word?  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Okay, Drake. Let me see if I've got this right. Black Hole has created a new type of bomb that's more destructive than anything to date and they demand hot dogs or they'll use more.  
  
Drake: Um...you actually got that right!  
  
Jess: Call the Natural Examiner! It's a sign of the apocalypse! Eagle got something right!  
  
Drake: Apocalypse? Uh-oh. If the apocalypse is coming, that must mean...this'll be the last season! AAAAHHHH!  
  
Jess: That might not be such a bad thing...this story seems to not be as good as before...of course, that's what we say every season anyway.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Look, Grit! I managed to figure out this math problem no one else has ever managed to figure out!  
  
Grit: What?  
  
Olaf: Well, in the equation x1=x, what's x?  
  
Grit: An empty set.  
  
Olaf: Oh. I was actually thinking zero.  
  
Grit: But that wouldn't make sense! That would imply 01=0. But 1 doesn't equal 0!  
  
Olaf: I'm confused.  
  
Grit: Aren't you always?  
  
Olaf: I'm not confused when I'm not confused!  
  
Grit: You have me there.  
  
Colin: FOOD GIANT TOMATOES WITH RUNNING ON TOP!  
  
Grit: ...  
  
Olaf: ...  
  
Colin: Sorry. Ever since I was abducted by those aliens I've had a tendency to blurt out random, mindless stuff. GIANT INSECTS BLURB THINGS!  
  
Grit: ...  
  
Olaf: ...  
  
Colin: Don't worry. I should be over it soon.  
  
bWill he be over it? Will we ever return to the actual storyline? You know, the part about the bombs? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 V/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 4/i  
  
Previously, some stuff happened that had some relevance to this story somehow.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Has any country given into our demands?  
  
Lash: Nope.  
  
Sturm: Well, let's just send some more of our even more powerful bombs at them.  
  
Lash: Call it by its CORRECT name, the Ultra-Bomb 3002.  
  
Sturm: Why do I put up with you?  
  
Lash: Because I'm the only one who knows how to make the bombs?  
  
Sturm: Oh. That. Anyway, do we have enough bombs to destroy all our enemies?  
  
Lash: No.  
  
Sturm: Drat.  
  
A pause.  
  
Sturm: Oh, just shoot them anyway.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Fire the nuclear missile at Black Hole!  
  
Andy: As retaliation for their attack on us, right? I mean, the one currently in progress, as the bombs haven't hit us quite yet.  
  
Nell: No, just because they're sitting around and I want to use them. The bombs, I mean. Not Black Hole.  
  
Several giant mushroom clouds later...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Ow...being killed by nuclear bombs HURTS.  
  
Lash: If you were killed, why are you still here?  
  
A few minutes go by.  
  
Lash: What?  
  
Sturm: Uh...please leave a message after the beep!  
  
Lash: sigh  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Well, Orange Star is mostly destroyed by the nuclear weapons. You know what this means?  
  
Grit: We go in to help them out?  
  
Olaf: No! We take our chance to CONQUER THEM ALL!  
  
Grit: I guess that COULD work...  
  
Olaf: CONQUER THEM! CONQUER THEM ALL!!!  
  
Grit: But maybe it won't.  
  
Olaf: Colin! I command you to kill Grit for not obeying me!  
  
Colin: What if I don't want to?  
  
Olaf: Then I'll make Grit kill you.  
  
Grit: What if I don't want to?  
  
Olaf: Then I'll make Colin kill you.  
  
Grit: But wait! If you order Colin to kill me because I wouldn't kill him because he wouldn't kill me, why would he kill me if he wouldn't kill me in the first place?  
  
Colin whips out a gun and shoots Grit.  
  
Colin: Because you're confusing ME?  
  
Olaf: Colin, you idiot! That was a tranquilizer dart! He'll be back in a few hours!  
  
Colin: What's the difference between that and if I killed him?  
  
Olaf: Pretty much none.  
  
Colin: So why does it matter?   
  
Olaf: Because I said so!  
  
Colin: But why does that mean anything?  
  
Olaf: Um...because I said so?  
  
Colin: That's circular logic!  
  
Olaf: Confusing...reasoning! Overwhelming...brain! Can't...normal...speak!  
  
Olaf collapses.  
  
Colin: Great. I just overwhelmed his brain.  
  
Grit (getting up): Oh, don't worry. That happens all the time.  
  
Colin: I thought the tranquilizer darts took a few hours to wear off.  
  
Grit: No, that's just on mice. Since I'm a lot bigger than a mouse, it wears off a lot quicker.  
  
Colin: Oh. (pause) Could you explain that to me again?  
  
Grit shoots Colin with a tranquilizer dart.  
  
bDid Grit shoot Colin with a tranquilizer dart? Was that one of the dumbest questions we've ever asked in these things? Tune in to the next part of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 5/i  
  
Previously, there was a long and drawn-out scene having to do with tranquilizer darts.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Lord Seth, I have a question.  
  
Lord Seth: sigh Now what?  
  
Grit: In Season One of Advance Wars 2.5, it said you were a Blue Moon CO. But since then, there was no reference of you being a Blue Moon CO, or a CO period, except for one brief point in which it supposedly said something about your CO Powers. And that was in Advance Wars 2.5 anyway, not here. What's with that?  
  
Lord Seth: Oh...um...me being a Blue Moon CO was...me...working undercover! Yeah!  
  
Grit: I guess that's the best I'm going to get out of him.  
  
Lord Seth: Exactamente, mi amigo!  
  
Grit: You speak Spanish?  
  
Lord Seth: I was speaking Spanish? I was just blurting out the random thoughts in my head. I do that a LOT!  
  
Grit: Suddenly everything suddenly makes a lot more sense all of a sudden.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, the nuclear weapon Orange Star hit us with has certainly put a cramp on things.  
  
A pause.  
  
Sturm: And it gave me this stupid cramp in my back! Owch!  
  
Lash: So, do you want me to launch more nuclear/atomic weapons at them?  
  
Sturm: Sure!  
  
Lash: But which country?  
  
Sturm: I don't know. Just pick a random one.  
  
Lash: Will do!  
  
Lash pushes a button and a missile takes off. It hits Black Hole and kills Lash and Sturm.  
  
Lash: Oops.  
  
bIs it really time for an "Oops"? Keep reading this episode of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Ha! Fooled you! Bet you thought we were actually going to end this episode, didn't you?  
  
bDid we fool you?/b  
  
Lord Seth: Wait! Don't end it yet!  
  
bToo bad!/b  
  
Lord Seth: You're only supposed to give questions! Except for the final line, where you say we should tune in next time!  
  
bToo bad, then? Does THAT make you happy? Saying it as "Too bad?" in the form of a question? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Much better.  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 6/i  
  
Previously some stuff happened that will probably not affect this story in any way. Then again, that's the same about most parts, isn't it?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Aw, forget this whole atomic bomb thing. It's more trouble than it's worth.  
  
Lash: I thought we were dead.  
  
Sturm: So did I, but you can't believe everything you think!  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Well, Black Hole is done with all the atomic/nuclear-bomb building, so I guess we might as well call off the project.  
  
Kanbei: But we have 4 bombs waiting right here!  
  
Sonja: Well, would COULD try to dismantle them.  
  
Kanbei: Or, better yet, shoot one at each country!  
  
Sonja: I'm not entirely certain that's a good idea.  
  
Kanbei: It is then decided! This time Kanbei shall be showered with glory! LAUNCH THE BOMBS!  
  
Sonja: You can't 'launch' them. You have to drop them from planes.  
  
Kanbei: Oh. In that case, LAUNCH THE PLANES!  
  
Sonja: The bombs aren't even in there yet!  
  
Kanbei: Oh.  
  
Sensei: This is too confusing. I think I'll just set off these bombs right now.  
  
Sonja: ... ... ...Crap.  
  
BBBBBBBOOOOOOMMMMM!!!  
(note: The above line is supposed to be about 1,000 times bigger in order to give the full effect. So just imagine it's that big, okay?)  
  
bBoom? Why do I keep making the last line of each part a question? Why do I keep asking these useless questions? Why do I keep asking why I keep asking these useless questions? This could go on forever, so I'm going to stop right now and say tune in to the next episode of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Uh...it's not the next part yet.  
  
bWhoops!/b  
  
Lord Seth: I'm not going to do that "end parts after almost nothing" gag AGAIN, so we had better continue!  
  
Grit: Actually, this part wasn't THAT short...  
  
Lord Seth: Shut up.  
  
Grit: Okay, okay, I know when I'm not wanted. Unlike apparently every single other character in this story.  
  
Grit leaves.  
  
Lord Seth: sigh  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Drake: I'm happy to report that our army, navy, and air force are in top shape.  
  
Eagle: That's not good enough! I want them in tip-top shape!  
  
Drake: What's the difference?  
  
Eagle: If they're in tip-top shape, if you tip the top of them, they'll fall over!  
  
Jess: But that's bad!  
  
Eagle: Too bad!  
  
Lord Seth: What am I doing here anyway?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Argh! I can't get these wrenches un-stuck!  
  
Sami: Huh?  
  
Andy: Someone super-glued these things to my hands.  
  
Sami: What, aren't they always super-glued to your hands?  
  
Andy: That's not true! I usually use regular glue!  
  
Sami: ...  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: I have a new, even more evil diabolical and evil plan to make more money in an evil fashion! And did I mention that it's evil?  
  
Slightly more than 3.141592654 miles away...  
  
Max: Okay, I've trained and trained and trained and trained! I'm FINALLY ready to take Sensei on again! And this time I'll become Wrestling Champion Of The World! Or at least of all the COs.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Sensei, you're being summoned to have another rematch with Max.  
  
Sensei: I don't want to.  
  
Sonja: Then he wins by default!  
  
Sensei: Meh.  
  
Sonja: ARGH! DON'T SAY THAT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!  
  
Sonja attacks Sensei in a bloody frenzy and kills him. Kanbei comes in.  
  
Kanbei: gasp You have killed one of our COs! There is only one fitting punishment...DEATH!  
  
Sonja: That's not so bad.  
  
Kanbei: ...by being eaten by piranhas while simultaneously watching...you know...that TV show that people always use for jokes in which someone is tortured by watching it?  
  
Sonja: Well, it could be worse.  
  
Kanbei: You're right. First you'll have to strip naked and appear on national TV.  
  
Sonja: sigh  
  
bWhat will the next plotline be? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 7/i  
  
Previously, Part 7 occured.  
  
Lord Seth: This IS part 7!  
  
Okay, Part 8 then!  
  
Lord Seth: Part 8 hasn't come yet!  
  
Fine! Fine! Part 6!  
  
Lord Seth: FINALLY you get it right! What did you do, fail math class?  
  
How did you guess?  
  
Lord Seth: Why do I have these conversations with the narrator?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Lash! This stupid door is stuck! I can't open it! And I've been pushing on it with all my might!  
  
Lash: Um, Sturm?  
  
Sturm: Yes?  
  
Lash: You're supposed to PULL that door open.  
  
Sturm: Argh! Why didn't they tell me that?  
  
Lash: It says "Pull" right there on the door!  
  
Sturm: I thought it meant people inside the door were supposed to pull it open.  
  
Lash: Argh! You are impossible!  
  
Sturm: Why does it seem that Adder never seems to show up?  
  
Adder: Because I was sick for a while. I had the dreaded skin disease where you turn completely white.  
  
Sturm: You're always like that!  
  
Adder: That's why it took me a while to realize I had it! But I'm over it now.  
  
Sturm: But your skin is still all white-ish!  
  
Adder: But I'm cured!  
  
Sturm: Argh! You are impossible!  
  
Flak: Where's the bathroom anyway?  
  
Adder: Down the hall, to the left.  
  
Flak: I went there, but I only saw a sink and a chair.  
  
Adder: Flak, that "chair" IS the toilet.  
  
Flak: Are you sure? Because if you're wrong, and that really WAS a chair...  
  
Adder: Argh! You are impossible!  
  
Hawke: What's going on here?  
  
Flak: It had something to do with something being impossible, I know that much!  
  
Hawke: But WHAT was impossible?  
  
Flak: Something that was impossible?  
  
Hawke: Argh! You are impossible!  
  
Flak: Ta-da! You just answered your own question!  
  
Lash: Hawke, why do you have your hair be different colors?  
  
Hawke: That's a top-secret military secret.  
  
Lash: I'm a CO in the military!  
  
Hawke: Well, it's a super-top-secret secret.  
  
Sturm: Ooh! When does Hawke say the part about Lash being impossible?  
  
Hawke: Why would I say that?  
  
Everyone: Argh! You are IMPOSSIBLE!  
  
Hawke: What just happened?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Look at my newest invention!  
  
Sami: Andy, that's a tank. An ordinary take.  
  
Andy: Haha! Look again!  
  
Sami looks again.  
  
Sami: I still don't see any difference.  
  
Andy: Exactly! I've just made a device that can fix any military device perfectly! Heck, it can fix any device perfectly!  
  
Sami: Can it fix itself?  
  
Andy: No.  
  
Sami: Too bad. It's still useful, though. But we have to make sure that no other country gets ahold of it. It needs to be Orange Star's military secret. So make sure no one else gets it! Take every precaution!  
  
In the background, Colin runs in and grabs the device and replaces it with a can opener. Then he runs out.  
  
Andy: Don't worry. I'll be sure to make sure no one takes it.  
  
Andy looks back and sees it's gone.  
  
Andy: Drat.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: Mission accomplished! We now have the device that can fix anything!  
  
Olaf: Excellent!  
  
Colin: So what are we going to use it for?  
  
Olaf: My cable box isn't working, so I need to fix it.  
  
Colin: Wouldn't it be better to, you know, use it tob heal all our units?  
  
Olaf: No.  
  
Colin: Well, you do outrank me, so I guess you must be right. That's one of the fundamental rules of the military...even though it doesn't make sense.  
  
Colin leaves.  
  
Olaf: Now, how do we get this to work?  
  
Olaf presses a button clearly labeled "Self Destruct". The device blows up.  
  
Olaf: Oh, why can't they ever have labels that clearly explain what button does what?  
  
bWhy can't they have labels that clearly explain what button does what? Or do they already? Why do I always have these random questions at the end of each of the parts anyway? Seriously, what's the point? Well, regardless, as always, be sure to tune into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.75 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.75 V, Part 8/i  
  
Previously...oh, who really cares anyway?  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Drake: Well, Eagle, I resign as a Green Earth CO. It's getting boring. I'm going back to piracy!  
  
Eagle: Yes, that's nice. Don't disturb me.  
  
Drake: What are you doing anyway?  
  
Eagle: I'm trying to balance 200 coins on this house of cards. Now be quiet or it'll-  
  
The house of cards collapses.  
  
Eagle: Now look what you made me do! I expect you to clean that up!  
  
Drake: I'll do even better!  
  
Drake grabs the cards, the coins, and everything else in Eagle's office that isn't nailed now (which translates to pretty much nothing else)  
  
Drake: Haha! My first pillage after becoming a pirate again!  
  
Drake rushes out.  
  
Eagle: What just happened? I'm not going insane, am I?  
  
Clock: No, you're not.  
  
Eagle: Ah, thank you Mr. Clock. I like how you can reassure me at times like this. Just like Mr. Bookshelf and Mr. T-Shirt...except when Mr. T-Shirt is trying to strangle me. That's never good. And who am I talking to? Oh, yes, my good friend Mr. Letter Blocks.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Yes! It's foolproof! I've put a special chip inside Sturm that'll blow him up when I press this button!  
  
Hawke presses the button. Sturm comes in.  
  
Sturm: Hi, Hawke!  
  
Sturm leaves.  
  
Hawke: Drat! I must've put it in the wrong person's head! I wonder who it could be...  
  
At that instant...  
  
Sonja: FINALLY things seem to be going my way! Nothing bad has happened to me yet!  
  
Sonja's head explodes.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Max: Yeah! I'm wrestling champion of the world!  
  
Nell: I thought Sensei beat you. Twice.  
  
Max: Yeah, but he didn't accept my challenge for a re-rematch and therefore forfeits.  
  
Newsperson (on TV): Sensei challenges Max to a re-rematch!  
  
Max: Drat!  
  
One wrestling match later...  
  
Referee: Well, it seems both contenders have...actually killed each other. So now I'm the wrestling champion! Mwahahaha! Mwahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA cough Can't breath...  
  
The referee/announcer/champion wrestler falls down and dies from lack of oxygen.  
  
Lord Seth: Gee, what's with all the deaths anyway?  
  
An anvil falls on Lord Seth and kills him.  
  
Lord Seth: Uh...I think I'll have to postpone writing this story for a LITTLE while...  
  
bWhen will he be ready to continue? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!/b


	6. Season 6

_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 1_  
  
Lord Seth: Welcome to what will probably be the last season of this story! Ending it after this season has more to do with me being just totally lazy and out of ideas than anything else. So let's get going!  
  
Nothing happens for a long time.  
  
Lord Seth: I SAID, let's get going!  
  
Grit: You didn't even write anything after your first comment for days!  
  
Lord Seth: Isn't it amazing how I can take breaks between parts so much and the reader never knows about it?  
  
Grit: They do NOW.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. Right.  
  
A (short this time) pause.  
  
Lord Seth: Well, what are you standing there for? Get going!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: I know I've said this a zillion times before, but now I FINALLY have devised a plan that will let us rule the world!  
  
Hawke: sigh What is it this time?  
  
Sturm: I have managed to teleport strange cretures from another dimension! We shall use their strange powers to rule this world!  
  
Hawke: These things look...familiar.  
  
One of the creatures hits Hawke with a lightning bolt. He's charred and singed.  
  
Hawke: Now...I remember...these are those things Lash is obsessed about...they're called Pikamin or something like that.  
  
Lash: The correct term is "Pokémon" you idiot!  
  
Hawke: Hey! No one calls Hawke an idiot!  
  
Lash: Maybe they wouldn't if Hawke would stop referring to himself in the third person!  
  
Hawke: Hawke NEVER refers to himself in the third person!  
  
Lash: You're referring to yourself in the third person NOW!  
  
Hawke: Um...Hawke doesn't have any good witty comback to that.  
  
Adder: ARGH! I can't take this anymore!  
  
Adder goes psycho and kills everyone. Then Flak comes in and goes psycho and kills everyone, who were just brought back to life through some zany plot twist. Then, feeling some deep remorse, Flak kills himself.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Mwahaha! With my new invention, I shall conquer the world!  
  
The invention blows up. Andy is killed.  
  
Andy: Whoops!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: Want to hear my latest scheme to avoid doing work in school?  
  
Grit: Colin, if you put half the work you do in your schemes into your schoolwork instead, your grades would all increase by 5%!  
  
Colin: I'd rather take this all-or-nothing route.  
  
Grit: Colin, so far all you've gotten is nothing. None of these schemes ever work!  
  
Colin: But what's the worst that'll happen?  
  
Olaf walks in.  
  
Olaf: Did I ever tell you about my childhood? I'll tell you about my childhood! I never worked hard in school and always tried to take the easy way out. And look where I am now!  
  
Colin: Uh...  
  
Olaf: But that's only half of my life story! When I joined the army, I-  
  
Grit: Ignore him. When he gets like this, there's no stopping him. Ever. Until he stops himself.  
  
Colin: So I'll grow up to be like HIM if I don't work hard?  
  
Grit: Yes.  
  
Colin: Well, he is one of my heroes, so...yahoo!  
  
Grit: You know, in school, I did pretty well. Especially in archery. So if you want to be like me, you should try to do better in school.  
  
Colin: Oh...I can't decide! Maybe I should just study hard and simultaneously try to cheat all the time.  
  
Grit: I'm not QUITE sure that's a good idea.  
  
Colin: Well, I think it's good, and in the end, that's all that matters.  
  
**Is that all that matters? Will this be the last season? Tune in next time, to...oh, you know.**  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 2_  
  
Previously, the Black Hole COs thought up a new plan but ended up getting killed. Twice.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Remind me why I'm handcuffed to the wall again.  
  
Drake: Jess and I got tired of your incompetence and chained you to the wall so we could take command.  
  
Eagle: Oh. Well, could you at least explain to me why I'm handcuffed to the wall?  
  
Drake: You're hopeless.  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Peach: Mario! Bowser's army is invading! Only YOU can stop them!  
  
Mario: And there's only one thing to do1 Go out there and defeat them all!  
  
Mario rushes out.  
  
Back in our original story...  
  
Lord Seth: What, I have to make EACH of those "completely different story" things funny? I wanted to make an un-funny one. And that makes it funny! Get it?  
  
Everyone: No.  
  
Lord Seth: Exactly!  
  
Meanwhile, in a semi-different story...  
  
Sensei: Aha! After doing extensive research, I have FINALLY-  
  
Lord Seth: Hey! This is the same story!  
  
Whoops!  
  
Lord Seth: Okay, I'm NOT going to have another one of these stupid "conversation with the narrator" gags. They just end up being stupid. Like this is now. So let's go to someplace else! ANYWHERE else!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Lord Seth: What, you thought I was going to go someplace totally random? Hah!  
  
Eagle: What are you doing here?  
  
Lord Seth: Nothing!  
  
Lord Seth leaves.  
  
Eagle: Let's see...I'm usually supposed to make some kind of stupid demand right here. So I demand that we equip all our bombers with atomic bombs!  
  
Jess: Eagle, that storyline ended last season.  
  
Eagle: All the more reason to do it now! The other countries won't be expecting it!  
  
Drake: Eagle, WHY would it matter? It's not like we're going to launch an all-out assault on all of them, right? Right?  
  
Eagle: Actually, I was planning on doing that.  
  
Drake: Eagle, we already tried that. I can't remember when it was (was it Season 3?) but it failed! Let's not try a failed plan again!  
  
Eagle: You know what they say!  
  
Jess: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again?  
  
Eagle: Actually, I was going to say "Don't get bitten by a shark when underwater eating a cheeseburger", but hey, that's even better! So let's attack all the other countries!  
  
Drake: But we don't even have the bombs yet!  
  
Eagle: A minor technicality. We'll worry about that later. You know, when we need to worry about it the most. You know, when we're in a crisis and we'll wish we had waited until we got the bombs because we'll all be destroyed because we don't have them. So, what do you think?  
  
Jess: ...  
  
Drake: ...  
  
Eagle: ,,,  
  
Drake: ???  
  
Eagle: Hey, I'm trying for a little originality here!  
  
Jess: Well, odds are this part of the storyline will be discontinued after this part, and it'll never return to this again.  
  
Eagle: Or WILL it?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Hey, everyone! You have to hear-  
  
Sami: Andy, you were killed in the previous part! Why are you back all of a sudden?  
  
Andy: Well, you know how Kenny dies in all those South Park episodes, and is back in the next?  
  
Sami: Yes.  
  
Andy: And how in Sealab 2021, the sealab keeps blowing up, only to be back to normal in the next episode?  
  
Sami: Yes.  
  
Andy: And how in Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a lot of times the characters are seemingly killed, only to be back to normal next episode.  
  
Sami: Yes.  
  
Andy: Well, it had nothing to do with that.  
  
Sami: sigh  
  
**Sigh? Is that "repeating whatever was the last time but in question form" gag getting old? Why am I writing this so late at night? You know what the last lines always is, so just mentally fill it in!**  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 3_  
  
Previously...oh, I'm running out of "previously" jokes. Just make some yourself.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Grit! Grit! You have to see this new show! It's great! It's even got these little images that appear for less than a second that say things like "Watch this show more" or "Worship Sturm"!  
  
Grit: Olaf, that's subliminal messaging!  
  
Olaf: Is it like Instant Messaging?  
  
Grit: No you idiot! They try to control you without you knowing they're controlling you!  
  
Olaf: I'm sure not being controlled!  
  
Grit: Because your mind is too screwed up to be controlled!  
  
Olaf: Well, would you watch this show? It's good.  
  
Grit: I'm not going to be controlled by Black Hole!  
  
Olaf: Grit, I ORDER you to watch this show with me!  
  
Grit: sigh Okay.  
  
One show later...  
  
Olaf: So, what did you think?  
  
Grit: That was one of the most horrible things I've ever seen in my life. The plot made no sense at all. The character's voices were annoying. The animation looked like it was drawn by a 6-year-old.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sturm: Hurry up! Draw those things for me!  
  
Lash: Sturm, he's only six years old.  
  
Sturm: So?  
  
Back in Blue Moon...  
  
Olaf: Hey! You talked about how it would hypnotize you! But it didn't!  
  
Grit: I'm really smart. I must've been immune to the effect.  
  
Olaf: That seems incredibly cheap.  
  
Grit: I know.  
  
Olaf: Hey, Colin! Come here and watch this!  
  
Grit: No! Colin isn't incredibly stupid or incredibly smart! Granted, he's slanted a little towards stupid, but not so so much that he'll be immune to the effect of the TV!  
  
Olaf: Colin, you've got to see this!  
  
Colin walks in slowly and stiffly, as if he's a zombie.  
  
Colin: Sorry...sir...I...only...obey...Black Hole...  
  
Grit: Oh no! It already got to him! I can only shudder to think of who else it might have affected.  
  
Grit seems to think for a moment. Then he shudders.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle (as if in a trance): Must...only...obey...Black Hole.  
  
Jess (as if in a trance): Must...only...obey...Black Hole.  
  
Drake (as if in a trance): Must...buy melon seeds. I mean...must...obey...Black Hole.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Must...obey...Black Hole.  
  
Max: Must...obey...Black Hole.  
  
Sami: Must...obey...Black Hole.  
  
Nell: Being in a trance...makes conversations...difficult. Oh, and must...obey...Black Hole.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: Must...obey...myself!  
  
Employee: Sir?  
  
Hachi: Mwahaha! I'm so obsessed with only serving myself that I can't be hypnotized into serving anyone else! Mwahaha! Now end this part while the suspense is good.  
  
**No idiotic and stupid questions THIS time! Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!**  
  
Lord Seth: What, did you think we were going to ask a question by accident? Seriously, who do you think I am? Myself? Ha!  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 4_  
  
In the previous episode, stuff that you would normally expect happened. In other words, nothing of importance. Except, of course, for Black Hole's newest devious plan--to hypnotize people through TV! Of course, considering how much people get hynpotized by TV anyway, it shouldn't be that hard...MAYBE.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: This is horrible! You and I are the only ones NOT affected by this TV!  
  
Olaf: Why is that again? I forgot.  
  
Grit: I'm too smart to be affected, and you're too stupid to be affected.  
  
Olaf: Oh. (pause) Why is it again? I forgot.  
  
Grit: Argh.  
  
Olaf: Why just a normal "Argh", and no exclamation point? Actually, isn't "Argh!" the normal way to say it? Of course, a bunch of times people will say "ARGH!" so I wonder if THAT is used more. But maybe "Argh!" is the preferred term. What do you think, Grit?  
  
Grit: ...  
  
Olaf: Thanks, Grit! I always wanted to know what "..." sounded like!  
  
Grit: Wasn't this gag done already?  
  
Olaf: Oh, you know how Lord Seth is about repeating gags. He just repeats them over and over and over and over until people get so sick of them that they send him death threats until he stops.  
  
Lord Seth: That's not true at all! Where are you getting this information?  
  
Olaf: The place I get all my information. The Natural Examiner. They're the ONLY newspaper with the guts to tell the truth about things. You know, like how Dracula is planning on making an unholy alliance with Frankenstein so they can successfully conquer all the werewolves.  
  
Lord Seth: Olaf, Dracula was KILLED at the end of Dracula. And the monster in Frankenstein wasn't even named Frankenstein--the doctor who made it was named Frankenstein. You're getting everything wrong!  
  
Olaf: Yeah, yeah, the Natural Examiner said people would say things like that. Fortunately, I'm too smart to fall for the kind of stuff you're saying. What do you think I am, guillible?  
  
Lord Seth: ...  
  
Olaf: Hey! You say it different than the way Grit does!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: At last! Our plan is working! All of the COs except for the extraordinarily stupid ones and the extraordinarily smart ones will have been hypnotized.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Why is everyone acting all hypnotized? I seem to be the only one not affected.  
  
Soldier: Person not affected! Must kill them!  
  
The soldier whips out a gun and shoots Sonja, killing her.  
  
Sonja: Darn my bad luck...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Now that everyone is under our spell...we can...actually, what can we do? I mean, we've already kind of won already. What else can we do?  
  
Adder: Wouldn't this be a good part to stop this part? You know, for suspense?  
  
Lord Seth: It hasn't been long enough yet!  
  
A pause.  
  
Lord Seth: ...or has it?  
  
**Or has it? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI! Or, alternatively, go back to your boring life and cry your eyes out. Then, after that, be sure to call 911 so you can get your eyes put back in. Then when you see the medical bill, you'll cry your eyes out again, and the whole thing will happen again. It's a viscious circle. Or is it?**  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 5_  
  
A long, long time after a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away from a galaxy far away...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Okay, I've thought about it. Now that everyone is under our hypnotic thingy-  
  
Lash: Call it by its CORRECT name, the Hypno-Transactor/ATM 4000!  
  
Hawke: ATM?  
  
Lash: Yeah! It doubles as an ATM machine! Watch!  
  
Lash goes up to the machine and presses a few buttons.  
  
Lash: Now I'm going to withdraw some money.  
  
Lash presses a few more buttons. The machine starts shooting out some giant tomatoes.  
  
Lash: Well, there are still a FEW bugs to work out.  
  
Some bugs come out of the machine.  
  
Flak: Well, it's just a few bugs. What's the worst they can do?  
  
Hawke: Um...well...the bugs are kind of killer bees...  
  
Sturm: Well, at least I'm made of metal and don't have to worry about them! Mwahaha!  
  
Lash: Actually, these are robotic killer bees. They can sting people made out of metal.  
  
Sturm: Crap.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Okay, Olaf, it's up to us to stop Black Hole's evil plan.  
  
Grit looks to see Olaf sitting in the chair he sits in in AW1.  
  
Grit: Get up, Olaf!  
  
Olaf: But I'm all comfy here! I'm never leaving this chair.  
  
Grit: Man...it took a sequel to get him out of that chair of his! How can I get him out now?  
  
Grit seems to think for a while.  
  
Grit: I'm stumped. Guess it's up to me to defeat Black Hole.  
  
Olaf: Could you take out the trash while you're at it?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, all those stingers hurt. Fortunately they die after stinging you.  
  
Lash: No, they just APPEAR dead. In a few minutes, they'll be back.  
  
All the bees, which were on the floor, get up.  
  
Sturm: Oh, crap. Not again.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Grit: Okay, I just have to find the thing they're using to hypnotize people, then change it so it un-hypnotizes them. Hey, here it is right here!  
  
Grit looks around and sees all the Black Hole COs lying on the ground with bee stings all over them.  
  
Grit: Well, better get to work. (he looks at the machine) Sure looks complicated...I wonder how I can reverse the effects.  
  
Grit notices a button labeled "Reverse the effects".  
  
Grit: Wait...this seems too obvious. Maybe it's a trap. (he thinks a while) Nah, Black Hole isn't smart enough to do that.  
  
Grit pushes the button. Everyone goes back to normal. The machine then explodes.  
  
Grit: Well, better get back to Blue Moon. I just hope the un-hypnotizing didn't have any bad side effects.  
  
Later, in Blue Moon...  
  
Grit: Well, Olaf, everything is back to normal.  
  
Colin: What happened? The last thing I remember was watching this one TV show...  
  
Grit: You were hypnotized by the TV. Black Hole had subliminal messages hidden in the shows.  
  
Colin: Whoa...so maybe TV is sometimes bad for you!  
  
Grit: Well, it's really only bad when there are subliminal messages.  
  
Colin: That happen often?  
  
Grit: All the time. The only shows that don't have the subliminal messages are...oh, I forget the names. You know, the ones on that one channel at that one time?  
  
Colin: No.  
  
Grit: Oh well.  
  
Olaf (watching TV): Holy crap! Look at this! They cancelled that show I was watching!  
  
Grit: Olaf, that's because it was hypnotizing people.  
  
Olaf: But is that REALLY a good enough reason to cancel it?  
  
Colin: There's a much more important question to answer right now.  
  
Olaf: What?  
  
Colin: How can crap be holy?  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 6_  
  
Previously, we ended the previous part without all of those stupid questions.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Now what?  
  
Olaf: Well, Lord Seth has semi-officially run out of ideas, so odds are we're going to just have a bunch of random, stupid things happen so we can finish this.   
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Okay, now for our next ingenious plan to conquer the world!  
  
Hawke: Why don't we just invade all the other countries!  
  
Sturm: We tried that. It didn't work.  
  
Hawke: Well, third time's the charm!  
  
Sturm: Isn't this the fourth time?  
  
Hawke: Well, fourth time's the charm also!  
  
Sturm: Wait...maybe this is the fifth time.  
  
Hawke: Fifth time's the charm!  
  
Sturm: Hey! You're stealing my lines!  
  
Hawke: Hey, if you get upset, steal find your own lines to steal!  
  
Sturm: But isn't stealing morally wrong?  
  
Hawke: Sturm. You've tried to conquer the world. You've sent countless soldiers to their deaths. You've caused some gigantic wars. You've tried to take away people's free will. You've tortured people for information. You leave the toilet seat up every time after you go. And you're telling me that it should be considered morally wrong to steal lines?!  
  
Sturm: Yes. Everything you just outlined of what I did is just normal. I mean, everyone does it. But stealing lines is the ultimate evil.  
  
Hawke: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Yay! Someone uses that line on someone other than me!  
  
Hawke: I hate you, too.  
  
Lord Seth: Do you hate me more or less than Sturm?  
  
Hawke: More.  
  
Lord Seth: Yay! Wait, is that bad?  
  
Hawke: It depends on your point of view. Do you want to be hated?  
  
Lord Seth: Yes. I mean, no. Wait, I mean yes. No, I want to say no. No, actually, my answer is yes. No wait, it should be yes. No, my answer is yes. Or should I say no? Yeah, I'll say no. Wait! Wait! I want to take that back. I'll go with...hey, why are you guys leaving? And why are there spikes on the walls? And why are they getting closer and closer together? And why am I in the middle? And why am I talking to myself?  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: I wonder if we'll get another semi-continued storyline going.  
  
Olaf: Is it all right if I laugh so hard at that I die?  
  
Grit: Go right ahead.  
  
Olaf: Ho! Ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho!  
  
Many "Ho"'s later...and no, we were NOT trying to make a pun there!  
  
Colin: Olaf, you've just laughed yourself to death! What are you going to do now?  
  
Olaf, who's dead, just lies there, doing nothing.  
  
Colin: And you heard it yourself, folks! He's going to do nothing! Isn't that the best thing ever? In fact, I'm going to do nothing, also!  
  
Colin just stands there.  
  
Colin: Oh no! I AM doing something! I'm standing! NOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Colin starts pounding on the ground and crying.  
  
**Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!**  
  
Lord Seth: What? No questions?  
  
**Nope!**  
  
Lord Seth: Good. Or is that bad? Let me think. I say good. No, bad. No wait, let's go with good. Never mind, I changed my mind. I think it's bad. Actually, when I think about it...

_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 7_  
  
Lord Seth: We're nearing the end! All we need to do is find a continuing plot to last us until then! I know! Let's go with that invasion we didn't finish earlier on!  
  
Out of nowhere, in space, a giant armada of ships appear next to Wars World.  
  
Alien: Gee, what happened? It's like we suddenly ceased to exist, and then came back.  
  
Alien 2: Well...UNLOAD THE TROOPS AND CONQUER WARS WORLD!  
  
Lord Seth: For those of you who didn't read the previous parts, Sturm basically requested stuff from his home world. And by "stuff" I mean more troops. And that means a bunch of aliens and stuff. And by "stuff" I mean things like tanks and other stuff. And by THAT "stuff" I mean other weapons. And by "weapons" I mean-  
  
Alien: SHUT UP!  
  
Lord Seth: Why does everyone keep telling me to do that?  
  
Alien: Maybe because...you're REALLY annoying?!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. Right.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Yay! The troops I requested shall be here soon!  
  
Hawke: How soon?  
  
Sturm: Soon.  
  
Hawke: I know that, but how soon is soon?  
  
Sturm: It's soon.  
  
Hawke: But...oh, never mind.  
  
Sturm: Is "never mind" one or two words? I mean, do I say it "never mind" or "never mind"?  
  
Hawke: Sturm, this is all verbal. It doesn't matter how you spell it.  
  
Sturm: O, rite. Eye gess eye kan spel eat n-e-way eye wont, rite?  
  
Hawke: Not THAT bad. People are reading this!  
  
Sturm: You just said it was verbal!  
  
Hawke: Well...oh drat, now you're confusing me.   
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: Yes! The troops are here! Now go and CONQUER WARS WORLD!  
  
Hawke: Sturm, we've tried this exact same plan before. Multiple times. Don't you think it's fairly likely it won't work this time, either?  
  
Sturm: Yes.  
  
Hawke: Then why are you bothering with it?!  
  
Sturm: Because I'm both too lazy and too stupid to think of anything else.  
  
Hawke: Well, why didn't you ask someone your COs? Or your generals? Or anyone?  
  
Sturm: Because I'm too stupid and too lazy.  
  
Hawke: That's your answer to everything.  
  
Sturm: I'd answer that, but I'm too stupid and too lazy.  
  
Hawke: You just DID answer it!  
  
Sturm: I'm too stupid and to lazy to bother to argue with you, so I'll stop, even though by talking like this, I'm proving I'm actually not lazy.  
  
Hawke: This is going to be one long...period of time.  
  
Lash: Which period of time? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? Months? Weeks? Years? Decades? Centuries? Millenniums? Milliseconds? Split-seconds?  
  
Hawke: Lash?  
  
Lash: Yes?  
  
Hawke: Shut up.  
  
Lash: Oh.  
  
Hawke: ENOUGH WASTING TIME! Just invade already! I'm tired of waiting!  
  
Lord Seth: Still a little bit of time left to go until the end of this part.  
  
Adder: Try stalling.  
  
Sturm: ahem I know a song that gets on everyone's nerves, everyone's nerves, everyone's nerves. I know a song that gets on everyone's nerves, and this is how it goes: This is the song that never ends! Yes it goes on and on my friend! Some people started-  
  
**Does it never end? Does it go on my friends? Did some people start-**  
  
Lord Seth: Shut up!  
  
**Hypocrite.**  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 8_  
  
Lord Seth: So, Part 8. I've ended a lot of seasons on Part 8. Of course, a lot were finished on Part 10. And one was on Part 9. And there was another short one...well, enough pointless babbling from me. Now for pointless babbling from OTHER people!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: No more waiting! INVADE!  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
Sturm: What is going on?!  
  
Hawke: All of our troops decided to go to the bathroom at the same time. As a result, all of the toilets were simultaneously flushed, causing the pipes to explode...I think I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.  
  
Sturm: Oh no! You mean there were really evil pods in the water that came to life with the touch of air!  
  
Hawke: What?  
  
Sturm: You said to use your imagination!  
  
Hawke: No, I meant the fact that all of the water spread everywhere, with...er...everything inside it.  
  
Sturm: So there WERE evil pods!  
  
Hawke: How can I break this to him gently?  
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: NOW let's invade.  
  
Hawke: Mmmph! Mmmph!  
  
Hawke is tied up and gagged in a chair.  
  
Sturm: You should've broken it to me more gently! Now let's go and INVADE!  
  
Flak: Sorry, Sturm, but another problem has occured. You see, by pure coincidence, millions of ducks were flying over our troops. And they all decided to...er...do their business at the same time.  
  
Sturm: Oh, good.  
  
Flak: Good?  
  
Sturm: What kind of contract do they want?  
  
Flak: What?  
  
Sturm: You said do their business, right? I assume they have a business proposition for us.  
  
Flak: How can I break this to him gently?  
  
Later...  
  
Flak: Mmmmph mmmph mmmph!  
  
Flak: YOU should've broken it to me more gently also!  
  
Lash: Sturm! Bad news!  
  
Much later...  
  
Soldier: May I ask you why you have all of your COs tied up in chairs and gagged?  
  
Sturm: It's a long story.  
  
Soldier: How long?  
  
Sturm: About 22 lines.  
  
Soldier: Oh.  
  
Sturm: NOW let's invade.  
  
Soldier: Okay, okay. Man, just delay this thing a few months because of accidents and you never hear the end of it.  
  
Several giant simultaneous invasions later...  
  
Sturm: We have conquered Green Earth, Yellow Comet and Blue Moon are somewhat under our control, and we were absolutely destroyed in Orange Star. That's what happened?  
  
Soldier: Absolutely.  
  
Sturm: Is that good or bad?  
  
Soldier: That depends on your point of view.  
  
Sturm: Well, I'm standing here and facing this way. According to THAT point of view, is that good or bad?  
  
Soldier: It's mediocre.  
  
Sturm: What did I tell you about using complicated words?!  
  
Soldier: Use them all the time to build your vocabulary up?  
  
Sturm: Exactly! Now, what does it mean?  
  
Soldier: Mediocre?  
  
Sturm: Yes.  
  
Soldier: Well...you know, so-so, not great, but not bad...in the middle-range.  
  
Sturm: I fail to understand. You used many words I didn't know the meaning of.  
  
Soldier: WHAT words?  
  
Sturm: "Well, "you", "know", "so-so", "not", "great", "but", "bad", "in", "the", and "middle-range".  
  
Soldier: But you used those words yourself!  
  
Sturm: I did?  
  
Soldier: Yes.  
  
Sturm: How interesting. TO THE DUNGEONS WITH YOU!  
  
Soldier: What?!  
  
Sturm: You questioned me!  
  
Soldier: But...  
  
Sturm: Oh, where are those guards? Can I trust you to go to the dungeon yourself?  
  
Soldier: Yeah, sure!  
  
Sturm: Okay, get going!  
  
The soldier leaves.  
  
Sturm: It's so nice to know there are soldiers I can trust.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: So you're a Black Hole defector and know all of their military secrets?  
  
Soldier (same one as before): Yes.  
  
Andy: I say we KILL HIM!  
  
Sami: Hang on, Andy! His information may prove useful! I say we get it, THEN kill him.  
  
Max: How about we just get the information and thank him by not killing him?  
  
Sami and Andy: Good idea!  
  
Lord Seth: **So, it looks like trouble is brewing for Black Hole. And the apocalypse is coming, because Max became really intelligent! Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!**  
  
Hey! I'm supposed to say that!  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, if I do it myself, I have to pay you less!  
  
We narrators have got to form a union one of these days...  
  
Lord Seth: I thought you already had one.  
  
But it was disbanded!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. Right. Just so you know, it WASN'T me who ordered all of those guys who kill everyone who entered the union, okay? It was someone else. Really. Honest. And when I say honest, I mean not honest. And when I say end this part already, I mean END this part already! Honest. And when I say honest in that sense, I mean I'm being honest. And when I say...  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 9_  
  
Previously, Black Hole managed to conquer all of Green Earth, some of Yellow Comet and Blue Moon, and almost none of Orange Star.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Why is it our country always seems to fend these guys off the easiest?  
  
Max: Because Flak is the one assigned to deal with us?  
  
Nell: Oh. Right.  
  
Sami: We're going to need everyone's help! That includes Hachi!  
  
Andy: HACHI?! He only does stuff for money. That would mean we'd have to give him money!  
  
Nell: Oh, that's no problem. The government spends so much time on the military budget that we've got 5 billion dollars to burn.  
  
Andy: How much did they give us?  
  
Nell: 5 billion dollars and two cents.  
  
Andy: Oh.  
  
Several billion dollars down the drain later...  
  
Hachi: Okay, so what do you want me to do?  
  
Nell: Just go and deploy your low-casting-cost troops to liberate the other countries from Black Hole!  
  
Hachi: What's in it for me?  
  
Nell: Those billions of dollars we gave to you earlier today!  
  
Hachi: Oh. Right.  
  
Nell: Well? Hop to it!  
  
Hachi: I already have the money. Why should I help you out?  
  
Nell: I don't know.  
  
Hachi: Well, because I'm such a nice, selfless-  
  
Andy coughs loudly.  
  
Hachi: -guy, then I'll help you anyway. And Andy, stay away from me. I think you're getting a cold.  
  
Andy: Yeah, I think I (he sneezes a few times) am. I'm going to go drink some orange juice.  
  
Andy leaves.  
  
Many plot twists and unexpected turns later...  
  
Grit: I have discovered the secret to Sturm's power!  
  
Andy: What are you doing here in Orange Star?  
  
Grit: That's not important. I have discovered that Sturm...has one major weakness. If we manage to exploit it, we'll stop all of his advances.  
  
Max: Fine. What?  
  
Grit: All we have to do is find the Ring and destroy it!  
  
Andy: You mean that movie that if you watch it, you die in 7 days? Because that's a hoax--it's been 49 days since then!  
  
Nell: That was a typo. It's actually in 7 weeks.  
  
Andy suddenly looks sick and turns slightly green.  
  
Andy: Can I be excused?  
  
Nell: No.  
  
Andy: You don't want to make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry!  
  
Andy becomes completely green, gets bigger and looks much, MUCH stronger. He starts destroying everything in sight.  
  
Grit: Great. I'll have to explain this in the next part.  
  
**What is this "ring"? Will it be another parody? Probably. Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 VI!**  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 10_  
  
Previously, we discovered that Sturm's power (or more importantly, his army's power) had something to do with a "ring". Let's see exactly what.  
  
Grit: Okay, Sturm's power comes from this really cool ring that rules all other rings.  
  
Andy: ALL other rings?  
  
Grit: Yep. Every ring.   
  
Andy: Even boxing rings?  
  
Grit: No, I mean rings as in rings on your finger.  
  
Andy: Oh.  
  
Grit: So all we have to do is find the ring and throw it into some kind of thing that can destroy it!  
  
Sonja: Let me guess. Mt. Doom?  
  
Eagle: Why are we all here?  
  
Lord Seth: Because you all want to defeat Black Hole, and you have to do it by working together.  
  
Grit: Okay, first we have to find the ring. I wonder where we could find it. So let's spread out!  
  
One hour later...  
  
Colin: Wow! Who would've guessed that the ring would be in a Lost and Found?  
  
Grit: Okay! Now we just need to split up! But first we have to find the person who wears the ring. You know, the Ring-Wearer.  
  
Drake: Don't you mean Ring-Bearer?  
  
Grit: I don't want to be sued.  
  
Drake: But the person who has the ring isn't supposed to put it on!  
  
Jess: WHY?!  
  
Drake: Some kind of plot device.  
  
2 books later...  
  
Adder: Sturm, you might want to be careful. I mean, the guys are going to throw your ring into Mt. Boom.  
  
Sturm: Oh, who cares? I mean, it's not like all of my power is invested in the ring and I'll be destroyed, right?  
  
Adder: Actually, it's exactly like that.  
  
Sturm: Good. Then I have no problem at all.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hawke: All I have to do is get the ring and use its power for myself! Then I can kill Sturm and take my rightful place as leader of Black Hole.  
  
Flak: But the ring seduces people with its promises of power! Then they become all crazed and think they're some kind of creature called Gollum.  
  
Lord Seth: Why isn't this parody ending up the way I wanted it to?  
  
Flak: I don't know. It's your own fault if it didn't. You're the writer.  
  
Lord Seth: (grumble) Stupid characters with free will always screwing up all my ideas. (storms off)  
  
Flak: That was pointless.  
  
**Was it pointless? Of course. Will this parody of Lord of the Rings get anywhere? Probably not. Why am I answering all these questions? Because I WANT to, that's why! Do I care if you don't like it? No. Tune into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.75 VI! If we ever get it done, anyway.**  
  
_Advance Wars 2.75 VI, Part 11_  
  
Lord Seth: Wow! This season is long! I mean, 11 parts! I mean, 11! That's 5 more than 6! 6 more than 5! 4 more than 7! 1 more than 10! 1 less than 12! 4 more than...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Well, somewhere along the way that whole Lord of the Rings parody was resolved. Of course, we didn't actually see it, because Lord Seth is a lazy writer.  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, YOU try keeping something up this long! Especially when working on a lot of other stories! It's not easy, you know. IT'S NOT EASY! I just make it LOOK easy.  
  
Colin: Excuses, excuses.  
  
Olaf: Excuses, excuses.  
  
Grit: Why did you say the same thing as Colin?  
  
Olaf: Because I'm too lazy to think up my own lines.  
  
Grit: You just did.  
  
Olaf: I did? Wow! I impress myself sometimes!  
  
Just then, a giant meteor hit Wars World, blowing it up! Every living being there was blown to smithereens, except for every living being. Everyone was immediately evacuated to another planet, which, by pure coincidence, had the exact same geography and infrastructure as the first one. So, in other words, yes, this entire line was completely pointless.  
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: NOOOOO! My One Ring To Rule Them All has been thrown into some really hot place and has been destroyed!  
  
Hawke: Um, Sturm? That ring never belonged to you.  
  
Sturm: Oh. Right. I wonder who it belonged to.  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
Frodo: Uh-oh! We lost the ring somewhere alone the way. What do we do, Sam?  
  
Sam: Let's make up a really long and cool-sounding story and pass it off as the truth. That way we'll still get all the credit!  
  
Frodo: Right! Now THAT's a plan! But can we make sure to leave out the part where we ate Gollum because we got really hungry?  
  
Back in our original story...  
  
Sturm: Drats! Our plan has failed! All of the reinforcements I requested have been destroyed! I hope they don't think too badly of me back at the homeworld.  
  
At Sturm's homeworld...  
  
Alien: Well, Sturm bungled up the troops we sent him.  
  
Alien 2: Oh, don't worry. I planned it that way. I just sent all of our really incompetent troops. Without them, our army is more competent!  
  
Alien: Oh. Right. So do we go and conquer the universe now?  
  
Alien 2: No. We stay here and watch TV.  
  
Alien: Sounds like a plan!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: This is the last part! We have time for only one more plan before this ends!  
  
Hawke: Well, we could try a new plan in Advance Wars 3...  
  
Sturm: No! I'm not going to wait for 3! I'm going to succeed in 2.75!  
  
Lord Seth: 2.75 VI, you mean.  
  
Sturm: Vee-eye?  
  
Lord Seth: No, it's not vee-eye! It's the roman numeral for the number 6!  
  
Sturm: What's a roman numeral? Actually, come to think of it, what's a roman and what's a numeral?  
  
Lord Seth: Never mind.  
  
Sturm: Tell me. Will I manage to conquer Wars World with this new attempt?  
  
Lord Seth: No.  
  
Sturm: Well, you heard him! Let's go!  
  
Hawke: He just said you wouldn't succeed.  
  
Sturm: What does HE know? He's just the guy that knows everything about this story, you know.  
  
Hawke: I hate you so much.  
  
Sturm: Is that bad?  
  
Hawke: It depends. If you're Sturm, it's bad. But it's not bad if you're someone else.  
  
Sturm: Who is this "someone else"?  
  
Hawke: Um...anyone who isn't you?  
  
Sturm: Who is this "anyone who isn't you"?  
  
Hawke: I know I should give up right now, but in jokes like this, third time's the charm, so...anyone who isn't you is every single person on the planet except for you.  
  
Sturm: Oh. I get it.  
  
Hawke: You DO?!  
  
Sturm: Of course! Only a complete and utter IDIOT couldn't understand what you were trying to say!  
  
Hawke: You've rendered me speechless.  
  
Sturm: How can you be speechless if you're talking?  
  
Hawke: Uh...that's actually a pretty good point.  
  
Sturm: No matter! Now to conquer Wars World with my latest evil scheme!  
  
Flak: How far alone are you in your planning?  
  
Sturm: Pretty far. All I have to do is decide what the plan is.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Strange...I keep thinking something bad is about to happen. Like Black Hole conquering the world or something. But what could this bad thing that's about to happen be?  
  
Drake: Do you think it has to do with the fact you're walking with your eyes closed and are about to fall into an almost-bottomless pit?  
  
Eagle: No.  
  
Eagle falls into the almost-bottomless pit.  
  
Drake (calling down): Don't worry! You'll only fall for 2 years less than forever!  
  
Jess: I guess that's why it's called an almost-bottomless pit.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Wow! A whole week has gone by and nothing bad has happened to me! Maybe my luck is changing!  
  
TV Announcer: And the winning lottery numbers are 4-5-3-1-3-5-3!  
  
Sonja: Wow! I actually won!  
  
TV Announcer: I'd like to remind you that you must be 18 or older to be eligible for winning this lottery.  
  
Sonja: Drat. Am I 18?  
  
Lord Seth: I don't think so.  
  
Sonja: Oh well. At least nothing bad happened to me.  
  
1 minute of nothing happening later...  
  
Sonja: Wow! Nothing did happen!  
  
Lord Seth: That's the joke. See, usually something bad does happen, so the joke is that nothing did happen.  
  
Sonja: I don't get it.  
  
Lord Seth: Neither do I. By the way, where are Kanbei and Sensei anyway?  
  
Sonja: I don't know. I think they said something about doing something.  
  
Lord Seth: That's not very descriptive.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sensei: Yes! We have successfully driven Black Hole from our shores!  
  
Kanbei: Didn't we do that last episode?  
  
Sensei: I don't know. My memory isn't what it used to be. If I remember correctly, that is.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: All right! Who wants to hear my latest diabolic plan to make more money?  
  
Crickets chirp.  
  
Hachi: Man, no one other than crickets want to hear?  
  
More crickets chirp.  
  
Hachi: Well, I might as well say it. I'm going to kidnap all the crickets and use them as slaves. Since they're not humans, I don't have to follow minimum wage or labor laws! Isn't that a great idea? And best of all, the crickets have no idea!  
  
The crickets in the room all surround Hachi and start moving towards him.  
  
Hachi: Oops.  
  
The crickets all jump onto Hachi.  
  
Hachi: AAAHHHH! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Okay, NOW my plan is ready.   
  
Lash: Ooh! Ooh! Does it involve powerful inventions?  
  
Flak: Does it involve lots of smashing?  
  
Adder: Does it involve...well, whatever it is I'm interested in?  
  
Hawke: Does it involve killing you and taking my rightful place as leader of Black Hole?  
  
Sturm: Nope, but those are all great ideas! My plan is to plant time bombs all over the rest of Wars World!  
  
Lash: When do the bombs go off?  
  
Sturm: 53 years from now.  
  
Lash: Wouldn't it make more sense to make it, you know, less than a year?  
  
Sturm: No.  
  
Lash: Hawke?  
  
Hawke: Yes?  
  
Lash: Kill him.  
  
Hawke kills Sturm in a surprisingly non-violent fashion.  
  
Hawke: So I guess everything's back to the way it was at the end of Advance Wars 2.  
  
Lord Seth: Exactly! NOTHING is different! Absolutely NOTHING at all! Well, except for Eagle falling down the almost bottomless pit. I'll have to do something about that.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Andy: Wow! Absolutely EVERYTHING is COMPLETELY different!  
  
Sami: No it isn't.  
  
Andy: Then why does everything look different?  
  
Nell: Because you're wearing really powerful glasses when you have 20-20 vision.  
  
Andy: I guess that makes sense. No wonder Max looked like a gorilla!  
  
Sami: He always looks like that.  
  
Max: Hey! I take offense at that!  
  
Lord Seth: Well, I guess this is as good a place to end this as any.  
  
Max: I take offense at that, too.  
  
Lord Seth: WHY?!  
  
Max: I don't know.  
  
**Is this really the end? Well, I guess so, since it's the last episode. And I mean that seriously, not as a joke like in Advance Wars 2.5. So don't tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.75 VI or Advance Wars 2.75 VII, because there won't be another episode, unless we decide to bring out an Advance Wars 2.875 or some junk like that. But not even WE're that stupid. Right? Right? Right?**  
  
Lord Seth: Actually, we probably are. Well, if you need to fill the humor void in your life because this is over, just go and watch The Fairly Oddparents, on Nickelodeon! Man, that Butch Hartman is a freaking genius...not as big a genius as me, but close!


End file.
